RSVP Blog

Gina, I admire your 'free spirit' attitude however, I cannot help but wonder whether or not the non-free spirit women (that is the attached ones) at those parties you attend, feel when you start up a conversation with their 'other half'?

Having taught at a boys' boarding school I can attest to the fact that single unattached women are only tolerated in very limited doses and in very neutral places. Woe betide any of these 'free spirits' be seen talking to a 'spoken for' male regardless of the reason. Claws and talons are unsheathed very quickly, knives are sharpened, whispers become roars and the single woman is encouraged to move away post haste!

Funnily enough the shoe is rarely on the other foot. There doesn't appear to be the same stigma attached to single men chatting to married/attached women. Maybe we just don't give a shit, couldn't care less, because we're so confident our women wouldn't stray from us it's not worth worrying about. False bravado I know!

big, having a nice lunch and enjoying commenting!!

Posted by: thebigman9 at February 6, 2012 12:42 PM

Hi. LLTD.
I'm not looking for a 'high-octane, high performance sports model' or a 'limousine'. I'm looking for a knockabout 4wd 'go-anywhere' model and preferably a diesel, something that doesn't need a computer geek with a laptop to maintain it, just good clean fuel, sensible driving and regular servicing. A 'diesel' 'cos they are lower maintenance and a LOT more reliable, give better fuel economy and have way better power down low.

Furthermore, where I want to go with it, a tux would look sorta silly - not too many black tie do's out the backa buggery - or in the 'maintenance bay'.

Just my 0.02.

You have a wonderful high-octane day.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at February 5, 2012 9:03 AM

ImGina, you radiate sunshine sista and I look forward to burning up the dance floor with you again. I too am a free spirited and have had to make do on my own even when husband was at same wedding/party. He is a muso, doesn't dance, so I've had plenty of practice of entertaining myself and/or blending in.

Fortunately, like you, I'm open and communicative, and can easily engage socially.

"tame me and soothe my soul", I wish. *deep sigh*

Peaceful, that "jewellery" is usually high octane, whiney and hard to please, best complimented with a tux rather than shorts.

Posted by: ladylikestodance at February 5, 2012 2:16 AM

Hi, Amberlightrose.
Me too. I just cain't see any point in being down in the dumps just 'cos I don't have any 'living jewellery' on my arm. (LLTD might get a larf out of that one.)

You have a wonderful singlehood.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at February 3, 2012 5:48 PM

imgina at February 1, 2012 2:14 PM

Yes enjoy being single, nothing wrong with that. You have to make the most of whichever situation you are in whether it is attached or not.

Posted by: timesrightnow1 at February 3, 2012 10:13 AM

Posted by: imgina at February 1, 2012 2:14 PM

Hey Imgina,
I'm with you :)
I have no problems going out and attending social functions by myself.
I attended a local rodeo recently by myself - and it was fun.
No one to whinge or complain all night - no problems with a partner propping himself by the bar all night (happens a lot in the country!) - I could eat and drink what I like, when I wanted to - watch what I wanted to - and go home when I wanted to.
I was my perfect date :)
But seriously - I personally think that if you look around - most couples aren't all that 'loved up' at all.

One of the things about being by yourself at social functions and events is that you get a pretty good chance to observe people and their body language.
Believe me there might be a lot of couples out there - but if you look at their body language they often don't look like they are together due to 'love'!
They often look almost 'toxic' - and that's the reason why I am single - because I couldn't/wouldn't do the 'toxic' stay together bit any longer.

I think people can have this mind-set at times that "everyone except me" is happy, loved up, etc.
But if you really look at many 'couples' they actually look miserable or down-right grumpy quite often - there is lots of 'taking for granted' stuff happening and not much appreciating and 'holding hands' stuff happening out there (and I bet nearly all the couples that do hold hands have fairly recent relationships!)

Yes it's not happening now - and may not for some time. It may never happen, this being part of a couple again, who knows? But I am going to enjoy myself and make the best of every day - NOW as best I can.
I am not going to let not being part of a couple get to me.

I'd much rather be a fancy free single than in a 'toxic twosome' any day :)

Posted by: amberlightrose at February 3, 2012 9:31 AM

That's right Unique. We can usually tell from these negative mindset/miserable type what sort of person they are.....and they are definitely not the sort of person I would want to meet. I don't think these sort of people can 'reason'.
Nofictiongirl, Big, MsMagnet and other likeminded bloggers, I don't have a problem going out to parties, weddings etc. as a non-attached single woman. I 'love' being a free spirit. I wonder if anyone else feels the same?? However, I can be tamed should I ever meet the man who can soothe my soul. Don't be bothered too much about it guys. If we could change it we could, but (at the moment) we can't so lets go out and enjoy life in-the-meantime. There are also some attached/married people who are 'jealous', lol, of our singledom. What's that saying?
'grass is greener on the other side'.
ciao, G.

Posted by: imgina at February 1, 2012 2:14 PM

Jealous people are usually miserable

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at February 1, 2012 6:49 AM

Nofictiongirl, you forgot to mention how enjoyable it is to be the only single at a dinner party/bbq surrounded by couples! NOT!! Or the fifth leg on a dog as another friend of mine who's in the same boat describes it as.

big, sick of being the third wheel!!

Posted by: thebigman9 at January 29, 2012 9:50 PM

Thank goodness msmagnet11. I thought I was the ONLY dysfunctional weirdo that has a problem with groups, couples, families, roaming multiples!
Turning up to Cold Chisel concert and bopping to the music ALONE. Wandering a Wine & Food Festival (where people ONLY go in multiples). Putting on my happy face. Weekend trips to Sydney/Melb to try and entertain myself.
But hey! I get to do what I please and when - maybe that's the tradeoff.

Posted by: msmagnet11

Posted by: nofictiongirl at January 29, 2012 6:49 PM

Posted by: msmagnet11 at January 26, 2012 12:51 PM

Hi Mags,
I stay positive by refusing to dwell on what I don't have - and concentrating on the wonderful things I do.
While trying to change the things I CAN - such as my education.knowledge, work skills - and living standards and interests - as much as I can - while I learn to accept hat maybe I will NEVER find a true 'partner in crime'.

Like you, I also have a younger child still at home - although I am sure like me - you can now see the time when they won't need us around so much.

It has never worried me that I need to 'tread water' for a few years while my son finishes school and gets settled in his life. Because having him is a blessing that has has always outweighed being restricted financially in my choice of hobbies, not being able to take a 6 month job as a trial in a new town/state - or being able to stay out all night partying :)

I chose to have another child in my late 30s - so I see myself as being very lucky and happy to accept responsibility for that choice - even though it limits the number of single men around my own age who might be interested in me because they want someone who can be completely "spontaneous" :)

Having a relatively new and largish mortgage also means I will have to work for quite a lot of years ahead - so unfortunately I have little in common with 'financially comfortable' men who are on the verge of retirement.
That and living 80 km from Adelaide in a region with a relatively small population compared to the eastern states........

So accepting I may never find someone who is right for me on a dating site isn't all that hard for me really :)

Once my son is off doing his own thing - I can then decide if I want to keep a mortgage or even rent out my house and move closer to Adelaide or even interstate - take a short term contract somewhere 'exotic' - or do volunteer work as well as work, etc.

So now in view of this, I will have to re-think about whether I should even be on a dating site nowadays - instead of just living solely IRL and seeing what it throws at me over the next few years.
Because having a partner might actually restrict many or all of these choices.

Especially as so many of the men I have met on dating sites - really want a live-in companion and would would balk at the thought of any woman wanting such an 'independent' kind of relationship.

Because while I would love to have a man in my life - I want someone who doesn't expect me to make him my WHOLE life and vice versa.
I think that requires quite a different kind of man to one who is normally found on a dating site :)

So some real soul-searching is in order, I think :)

Posted by: amberlightrose at January 29, 2012 3:44 PM

The green-eyed monster

The same man I mentioned in my last post was a very jealous man. He used to go away on business for the first half of the week. When he was away however he used to get people he knew to report to him if they had seen me around and if so who with. He would call me several times a day, which at first I thought was sweet and made me feel very much wanted. It became too much when he would accuse me of things that I had not done. He did not drink and as the time went by I didn�t drink when he was home and I would buy a bottle of wine and make a meal with meat while he was away to enjoy in our dining room, which had a beautiful log fire. He was a vegetarian but did not force it on me but for 12 months I did not eat meat when he was home so that we all ate the same meals together. One night he came home and accused me of having been drinking. On this occasion I had not been drinking at all but no matte what I said he would not believed me. He said that I had been seen earlier that day in the bottler shop, which was not true. He made me get dressed and go into town with him to find a police car. We parked near a police car in town and he told me to get out and asked them fro a breath test. It came back negative of course. He said well it could have worn off. This was the last straw I was sick of being accused of doing things that I had not done including being checked up on in case I had a fling with someone else. I left but for some reason boy was my emotions tied up with that guy it took me years to stop pining over him thank god I was only with him 14 months..

Posted by: timesrightnow1 at January 29, 2012 9:59 AM

singlejoy at January 23, 2012 10:08 PM

I understand where you are coming from. My heart was ripped out and stomped on over 11 years ago. I was very much in love with a man that I met through a friend. For years I cried over not being with him. I ended our relationship because of the way I was being treated by his children who were only young but he would not take any notice of there behaviour, even one of them running their bike into my leg didn't raise one of his eyebrows. His mother who was with him ever 2nd weekend despised me also as she wanted to be the one who run house even when we moved into a house together. She walked in an announced which bedroom she and her grand children would be having, even though they would only be there ever 2nd weekend. She expected my children to have much smaller rooms even though they lived with us full time. Of course I didn't allow her to choose but I was hated ever since. He was also a green-eyed monster too I will mention in another post.

Posted by: timesrightnow1 at January 29, 2012 9:43 AM

Posted by: msmagnet11 at January 26, 2012 12:51 PM

Totally agree but I made plans to head up to Tamborine Mountain for a nice lunch at a winery with friends..... curse this rain that we have been enduring for seemingly ages now in Brisbane, road flooding and closures put paid to that lovely day out and we are expected to have at least another 7 days of it - it is taking me about 1 1/2 hours just to drive to work and it is usually a 30 minute drive.

Oh well, at least it was nice at home where a picnic blanket was thrown on the carpet in the lounge and goodies were shared.

Agree it would be nicer with a special someone..

PD x

Posted by: parisdreamer at January 29, 2012 12:14 AM

Your turn will come again msM, just be patient. I had two offers to be taken out for lunch today. First, my daughter wanted to, because it was my birthday yesterday, but she had dinner with me last night, and is doing the same tonight, and then watching a tennis match. The second was from the man I've just broken up with...lol. He had the day off, but I'm not dating him anymore, just because he was on a day off. He's been happily working 6-7 days per week and too tired for me for two or three weeks, so he can just go sit and do some serious thinking about what it means to be turned down.It's his choice to work those hours, his decision.What does he think not 'being in a relationship' really means? NO MORE DATES AT YOUR CONVENIENCE! Friends for the music, yes, maybe, but no more dates, even if he nearly always paid! I simply will not be taken for granted! The end. Nice that there isn't any bad feeling though. Now it's the end.

Posted by: singlejoy at January 26, 2012 4:28 PM

I'm jealous of the people that get to go and do fun things with a partner, family or friends on Australia Day. How's that for an admission??. I have made a batch of peach jam today and am contemplating getting in the garden as no other better offers have arrived. They have a great Classic Car display at the Domain today but nothing points out more how alone someone is than wandering around a place where families and couples congregate, on your own. I really am trying to stay positive!!!! The plus is that the garden will look a lot better by the end of the day....lol
Magnet

Posted by: msmagnet11 at January 26, 2012 12:51 PM

Hi, Girls.
I think it only fair to warn you now that Big is on the loose again that his theme song is, "If I Said You Have A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?"

BIG, hell hath no fury like a woman upset in ANY way. That had better be one awful good bunker.

You all hava wonderful day.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at January 26, 2012 10:37 AM

Looks to me the ugly, green monster has reared his head there paris and magnet! Jealousy is a curse girls but I won't hold it against you, hahahahahaha.

big, on the way back to his bunker, move over shazzam!!

Posted by: thebigman9 at January 25, 2012 5:57 PM

Wait I've got the pin to prick that Big Head, see there it goes, weeeeeeee.
Magnet

Posted by: msmagnet11 at January 24, 2012 11:18 PM

Be afraid, be very afraid, Biggie has escaped from the straight jacket and is back on the streets.......

Seriously, good to hear such good news Biggie!

PD x

Posted by: parisdreamer at January 24, 2012 11:07 PM

BIG 24 January 6PM.... And good at it I would think... 5 stars Big....Hope you are feeling tons better.. I am sure you are .. You can't keep a good man down... I could tell you all some funny stories on this jealousy thing and what I experienced there.. In fact I could probably write a whodunit on some of the antics I encountered with it.. I am just glad that I had the support of my friends and colleagues at the time...because I was quite lost on just what I was dealing with exactly....I know he even wanted me to sack my gardener because he was so jealous of him.. (my gardener looks very much like Patrick Jane of The Mentalist fame..same mop of curly blonde hair) so pleased I didn't bend to pressure there...If you all want to be entertained I can relate a couple of the episodes..but you won't believe it I am sure...it was so bizarre.... Looking back in hindsight now I just cannot believe I allowed myself to be put through that.... (Isn't hindsight a wonderful enlightener!!}.. Havn't been well and wasn't going to blog to any extent til I am feeling better.. Just couldn't help myself... xxx BB12

Posted by: bluebutterfly12 at January 24, 2012 9:41 PM

I've just started dating someone really nice and I've realised something about jealousy. If I feel secure and comfortable in my connection with someone, I don't feel jealous. He joked about a 29 year old sending him a kiss recently and my only feeling was that it would be hard to top the quality of the connection we have and I didn't feel threatened by the idea at all! With a past boyfriend who I wasn't secure with, even a joke would have made me feel worried and bad.

Posted by: missdragon8 at January 24, 2012 8:55 PM

Mmmmm, aren't we all glad this was re-started and, unbelievaby, by a man!! I am just so good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

big, with an extremely puffed up head!!

Posted by: thebigman9 at January 24, 2012 6:00 PM

I think it's a common problem. summerlandstar, I don't think in my case it had anything to do with inheritence. She wanted to control her father, spend lots of tme with him on weekends, had lots of times when she would organise him and I was invited to 'tag' along. That eventually led me to speak up, but, he could see no problem! She also made a point of ringing him endlessly when we were together for a date or weekend. I mean several times a day, especially around evening, when she knew we'd be out for dinner. So glad that's in the past.

Posted by: singlejoy at January 24, 2012 2:35 PM

Dealing with a step daughter and a good guy father: Hi, from my limited experience with a 12 (at the time) going on 18year old step daughter and a 8yr old step son also a natural father thrown into the equation, life can be very interesting at times. It was a very new experience for me marrying late in life 35 also being an only child with no sibling rivalry to harden me up. My ex and I had only courted and spend our time together when the children were at the fathers home, not very far sighted of us, such is love or lust ;-)) After moving to OUR new home, (Not his house or her house) we purchased OUR home that would give us a new start the kids each had their own rooms and we had a section of the house as our retreat. Great idea it seemed at the time. We the ex and I had come from broken homes as in divorced, strange how standards change with time. Our thing was to over compensate for what we saw as problems in our past. My ex and I attended classes on learning how to deal with step children in new relationships. On most occasion discussed most matters together. We had a rule to stop splitting and pressure decision, speak to us together and give us time or the answer will be No.

The third parent the natural father was full of promises and had the first read of the notes from the school as to trips away or special requests from the school for money for classes or extra. He would promise the kids that he would look after it etc so my ex the mother and I didn�t know any of the promised needs. Our first warning came the day for payment and the father couldn�t deliver the promised money. I and my ex had to smooth the waters with the kids and not diminish the failed promise from the father to keep the peace. I had been instructed to not antagonize the natural father by my ex. At the same time my step daughter was undermining and pushing the boundaries in a sweet and lovely way that only a young girl can do. My step daughter wanted her mummy and daddy back together. Plus was developing at an alarming rate. Its one of those things you have to experience as to how powerless you can become. Forgive the mixed metaphors. Wanting to do more yet treading a very narrow line not to rock the boat and cause a split in the new family unit.

The kids also had very inconsistent rules as to asking and telling us where they were going and for how long, and if they needed or wanted things clothing activities friends sleeping over etc. I soon discovered that any promises made at his end were rarely kept. The rules at the father home were no rules, turn up for meals and bed and that�s about it. This is on the Northern beaches of Sydney, the local council dragged the beach of a morning to collect the used hypodermics out of the sand and under age girls were being raped and not even getting mentioned in the press.

My solution: Well it worked for me at the time, take the natural father into the garage and have a heart to heart with him without the input from his terrified ex or the kids. It turned out he was always full of promises and wouldn�t say No (He liked being the good guy). He hadn�t been paying maintenance and his commitment to have the kids covered in his health fund was not happening This I looked at and worked out with him the following solution, I took over the kids health cover at no cost to him as I was already paying family coverage, he had a period to get back to square with his commitment which was bugger all per week, he was to send all notes home to us and not make any commitments as to sleepovers etc without discussing with us before hand if we were to continue allowing him access of a weekend. Needles to say I was not the popular person for a very long time.

After the kids father died and I had divorced their mother and the kids were in their mid 20s they both thank me for my consistency. . My stepdaughter remained a disturbed person until late in her 20s, she seems to be dealing with life well now ;-)) Just how I see things.

Posted by: montychristo at January 24, 2012 2:33 PM

Hi, Folks.
It seems to me that TOXIC rellies are an even bigger problem than the toxic friends of the current blog.

In most of the cases below, I would suggest that one or the other of the two MAIN players in the potential relationship, whichever one had the problematic rellies, ought to have introduced said rellies to a new type of cough, the distant, remote or FAR cough.

After all, whose happiness is at stake here? The one whose rellies are causing the problems. I KNOW what sort of response they would get from me if it was my rellies causing problems. Maybe the relationship would be a mistake but only time would tell and at least I would have had the fun of making the 'mistake' MY WAY.

Just my 0.02.

You all have a wonderful day.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at January 24, 2012 1:08 PM

Re asitis09...you poor pet!....xxxBB12... I have noticed when two dogs are fighting over a bone a third doggie comes in and snatches it away.. clever little doggie! And just sometimes that little old bone just isn't worth fighting over after all...

Posted by: bluebutterfly12 at January 24, 2012 1:06 PM

Yes, well, it's just not daughters. In my experience it has been women generally. I believe many women, moreso than men, have a need to be the 'main focus' of the relationship and they assert their territorial rights in ways only a woman can. I was in a past relationship where my daughter, my sister, my mother and my girlfriend were all at each others throat for control of me. Why they perceived any of them could conntrol me I have no idea. My sister has never liked any of the women I have gone out with. My daughter keeps getting dragged in for some reason so that now she runs a mile if I meet someone as she has no wish to become embroiled in the potential 'cat fight'. Makes me despair that a harmoneous balance can be ever found.

Posted by: asitis09 at January 24, 2012 12:15 PM

@ shazzam & singlejoy
Not meaning to sound like Foodie, but I think in a lot of these cases it may have more to do with the "family" assets rather than other sorts of differences ... because there is always the potential (unless there's a good solid financial agreement in place) for the new partner to end up with a substantial chunk of "their" inheritance.

Posted by: summerlandstar at January 24, 2012 9:23 AM

Posted by: singlejoy at January 23. Sorry to see you are back. Yes, I did this for 8 years. She lived a long way from us, but holidays were awkward to say the least. But when he visited her (alone) she would try to set him up with her younger friends. Even insisted on having a party at our place and not disclosing how many guests and who they would be. My answer... left the house to them and went to NSW. No way, was I cook, cleaner and drink server for them for the week end. I have also met another chap whom when first dating would bring his daughter along. To lunch to dinner etc. He had been married for 30 years so naturally, she would be confused etc, but he could not see the problem. I ran away from there in double quick time. When I was younger, I had one golden dating rule. No children, but this is not feasible now that I am older. I had a lovely 10 yr relationship with a guy who like me had never been married nor had children. It is so blissful to have no outside interference. I liked his folks, he liked mine. Ah what a world!! S xx

Posted by: shazzam5 at January 24, 2012 9:04 AM

I think jealousy comes from insecurity and a lack of trust in the other person. If you know that you are behaving well, not being too clingy and that your partner is happy to be with you, why fret? Sometimes friends can be jealous and try to drive a wedge because they are either feeling neglected or they are in a bad place. Make time to be with them and reassure them they are still important and a part of your life. If your partner is the Jealous one this requires a lot of work! They may be carrying scars from a previous bad relationship and you will have to be strong and patient with them until they heal themselves. However, if they can't get past it, counselling may work. If not you may have to walk away. My late husband was jealous early in our marriage, without cause I may add. I found out that his first wife had betrayed him and he was afraid I would do the same. It took a lot of patience and a lot of love and listening, but eventually he realised that his fears were unfounded and the rest is history.

Posted by: lady3152 at January 23, 2012 11:20 PM

How about when the guy has a jealous daughter? Been in that situation in 2010. Daddy's princess, age 32 at the time, married, was so not going to let her dad have another woman in his life! His previous partner ended the relationship with him for exactly the same reason as I ended it with him. I did not know at the time that he had 'been through this before', as he admitted to me after I had ended it! He simply would not stand up to her and tell her to grow up and get a life of her own. He was so intimidated by this young woman who was so bad tempered and obnoxious that she wasn't going to let go of the bone. He tried to get it back together with me on more than one occasion, and asked me several times to 'talk' to her as he had failed to convince her to back off!!! I told him it was his daughter, and if he thought so little of me then I didn't want the relationship. She also had a very jealous attitude to my daughter too, and treated my girl so badly that they were never going to hit it off. He actually objected to my daughter calling her a bitch! And his daughter banned me from being in her house or anywhere near her because of the young ones dispute! I never defended my daughter, and said that it was their buisiness, and I still believe that.You can imagine how I just wasn't going to put up with her *&^%% any longer than I did (12 months). Even though I was very in love with him and he with me, I walked away because I could see it was only going to get worse.She destroyed our relationship, but the bottom line is: he let it happen! I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience? I know other women that have been through the same thing.

Posted by: singlejoy at January 23, 2012 10:08 PM

Hey Big, Bored are you. My thoughts are this, speaking as someone who has no children, daughters can sometimes be protective of their fathers and will undermine a new relationship. I have also seen many long term relationship de-railed by children. This can cause feelings of jealousy on both sides, partner and children. Controlling it, well it can like dealing with a mother-in-law, you have to try to get on. However, when dealing with some girls in their late 30's some can be so manipulative, that you dont even see it coming. They smile, say how much they love you whilst putting in the dagger. And if the partner complains to the parent about their child behaviour, this can be very detrimental. These are my thoughts now over to the rest so Big can have something to read. S xx

Posted by at January 23, 2012 6:52 PM

Posted by: shazzam5 at January 23, 2012 6:57 PM

Hi, TBM9.
Get it back on track. Why? Personally, I'd rather concentrate on more positive relationships and the many aspects thereof.

Just my 0.02.

You have wonderful (jealous) day.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at January 23, 2012 6:29 PM

Come on everyone, let's get this topic back on track. It's been over a month since any comments were posted about jealousy.

I know John's given a fair bit of advice but just what defines jealousy in a r'ship? How is it manifested? Can it be controlled? Is it more prevalent amongst women or men? Why does it occur? How do you manage a jealous partner? What if the jealousy is coming from outside the r'ship?

There's a start for some more discussion. Over to you my fellow bloggers. How about some comments from long-time readers? Share your thoughts with us please? It doesn't matter what you have to say as long as you say it.

big, relaxing after a lovely dinner!!

Posted by: thebigman9 at January 23, 2012 5:42 PM

LLTD,
No bait. You guys have made the get -together an open invitation - so who knows?
The crystal ball gazer you seek might just turn up out of the blue!
Just be careful what you wish for :)

Posted by: amberlightrose at January 13, 2012 7:56 AM

Posted by: amberlightrose at January 9, 2012 8:16 PM

OK, I'll take the bait - I'm pisces after all, pray tell, WHO?

Posted by: ladylikestodance at January 12, 2012 7:18 AM

Hi, LLTD.
Would that MORE people were cursed with you are 'cursed' with - Joie de vivre.

You have a wonderful day.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at January 9, 2012 8:21 PM

Well you never know WHO might turn up on the 14th, LLTD :)

Posted by: amberlightrose at January 9, 2012 8:16 PM

I think I'm cursed.

Wanted: Wicca with amazing phsychic abilities. Must have accurate crystal ball, willing to travel.

Posted by: ladylikestodance at January 9, 2012 11:31 AM

Isn't jealousy meant to be a curse?
Rodin

Posted by: rodinsthinker72 at January 8, 2012 9:24 PM

Emotionally draining

aaarrrggghhh

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at January 4, 2012 7:38 PM

Hi, KissKat65.
One of the most valuable lessons that I ever learned was to not care what others may think of me. What they may say or think about me ackshully says more about them than it does about me.

Jealous people are emotionally draining, which can often be physically draining too.
Who needs that? Not I.

Just my 0.02.

You all have a wonderful day.
Best wishes.
Peacefulsixty.

Posted by: peacefulsixty at January 4, 2012 9:18 AM

If we want it to

If we let it

If we have learned from our experiences

If we accept our OWN imperfect-Ness

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at January 3, 2012 4:44 PM

Love truly does overcome all

It cancels negatives with acceptance

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 31, 2011 8:51 AM

And yet quite ironically, they will carry on this behaviour with some other poor sod.

I have lived both sides and disliked the misery that resulted in my own life ENOUGH to look deeper...

And end it for the alternative - a free and happy place :-)

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 27, 2011 7:41 AM

KissK,

This is a timely summary; there have been a number of women in this situation recently (on the blogs) who have found themselves bring blamed for serious problems in the men they were associating with.

The worrying aspect of these situations is that the women will accept the blame until such time as they can draw back far enough to be able to see it from the outside and realize that none of it was their doing.

Burntabit

Posted by: burntabit at December 26, 2011 11:39 AM

took me a long time to realise other people's behaviour is about THEM not me....even when youre the one getting blamed for the situation. being with someone is not meant to be full of accusations, mistrust and anger.

Posted by: kisskat65 at December 26, 2011 8:22 AM

Too hard to look at

Too proud to accept and admit

It literally is - all about "self"

So in the context of self improvement - BE selfish

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 25, 2011 10:50 AM

Great discussion; I wonder how many come to realize that their loneliness or internal void, is a prime motivator for destructive behaviour.
Ignorantly stumbling from one failed relationship to another, repeating the "script".

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 24, 2011 10:00 AM

Yes indeed

How many people can actually recognise when they ARE jealous? And own their insecurity.

One thing I've found is men have A problem admitting jealousy

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 23, 2011 1:19 PM

Posted by: burntabit at December 23, 2011 9:15 AM

It seems often people who are like this feel very empty - and no one else can ever fill that gaping hole ever inside of them.
No one can ever love them or reassure them enough.
It will only be ever be filled once they learn to do it for themselves - by finally learning to love themselves.
Sadly so many people never do.

Posted by: amberlightrose at December 23, 2011 1:09 PM

Constant reassurance is just playing their game. No matter how much reassurance is offered, it is never enough. It has happened to me, twice!!

Burntabit

Posted by: burntabit at December 23, 2011 9:15 AM

How many times does a person need RE assurance though? And convincing, consoling, calming, etc.

The host of the suspicious mind is the only person capable of making it one that trusts

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 23, 2011 5:41 AM

Good question oh unique one. I suppose the issue is that they perceive they have something to be jealous about. In that case, and this is not a dig at your oft-quoted "I'm real" statement, to them the jealousy they feel is real. It may have nothing to do with you or your actions as you perceive them, however, there are two people in most relationships and who can really tell what the other is thinking?

I'm glad you included e). Whenever I'm faced with a few suggestions I tend to go with e), "all the above"! However, that would have to be f) in this case.

Posted by: thebigman9 at December 22, 2011 4:14 PM

Thanks amber.....Cheers!..smiles..

Sweetmix( 63)

Posted by: sweetmixture at December 22, 2011 9:38 AM

What about dealing with other people being jealous when they have nothing to be jealous over!?

Do you

a. Just keep on being yourself?

b. Remove yourself from z situation?

c. Ignore it?

d. Ask them what their problem is?

e. Don't worry be happy?

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 22, 2011 7:08 AM

Posted by: sweetmixture at December 16, 2011 11:11 PM

So true Sweetmix - I think you express yourself beautifully :)

Posted by: amberlightrose at December 17, 2011 9:41 AM

That's great Sweet mix

And The saying is

No one cares about how much you know until they know how much you care
I hear ya and nothing wrong with how you choose to continue living life. IF it works for you, that's great

I would simply like to add that making it about ME. & WHAT I WANT doesn't make me a selfish taker in the negative sense

I am STILL a loving caring giving thoughtful helpful affectionate etc etc person. I choose not to display that side of myself publicly. Reserve it for the people I feel REALLY need it.

All I can say is being selfish (in the best sense possible) might seem.UN foreseeable and even unthinkable to those of us who put ourselves last.

I found myself saying

"Why should I"?

Perhaps someone out there might wish to ask themselves the same thing and start putting themselves first for a change

I've worked in the care bear industry since age 18. Been a single parent for the best part of 19yrs (2nd husband was a child to put it bluntly). Always been the peace maker, the mediator, the counsellor, the fixer, etcthe care bear lol the one to jump in and stop a domestic situation. The good samaritan.

Done all my suffering in silence blah blah blah, soul searched, researched, spiritual emotional mental healing etc and don't doubt that many here have done the same.
I am still ALL of those things

I get the same cards, text msgs, emails, etc from friends and loved ones who appreciate me. Its great and its karma :-)

But I do not feel selfish for making it all about ME and what I want (first) anymore. Neither am I afraid of what others might perceive me as. Indeed, I am free to speak, think, and do as I feel. And always from a place of love. Might be tough love, but its love lol

Unique

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 17, 2011 7:52 AM

I hear what you are saying too ooouniqueooo but I don't think I can change to that extent where I just put ME first..Have never been that way and I can't see me changing now although I have learned that it is ok and also very important to say NO at times when it is not an emergency as such. With me I just have a tendency to really care about folks..even those I don't know very well at times so suddenly what I would like doesn't always seem to carry so much weight or be important if I see or hear about a need that can be filled and I am NOT talking about sex here guys lol!

I remember even as a little girl, my heart was always going out to someone else or an animal if it was in distress and would be completely distracted from perhaps something that I was about to be a part of which might have brought me some pleasure..I was always quite happy to push that to the back if I could do something to help or make another happy..smile...

Life to me isn't just about ME but is about all my family and friends. It is about achieving a fine balance which will enable me to live in harmony with those I care about but also lets me see that I can allow time for just ME when the occasion arises or is necessary..smiles...

My grandson ( nearly 18) paid me the nicest compliment on my last birthday card. He is in the wars with his parents..sighhh..anyway he wrote all this mushy stuff on my card which just filled me with so much love for him if that is possible as I love him to bits already.. He said that ever since he could remember.. I had always made time for him and always made him feel that he was very special...Smiles..Well to me he IS very special although these days I know he does not feel that way unfortunately with things not going well at home. I read somewhere that people may forget what you say ..people may forget what you do but people never forget how you make them feel...and I think in this instance with my grandson that's how he was feeling. Something I try to impart to others is encouragement and hope as I have always responded to that myself all through life and remember how it feels when I have felt down, to have someone lift my spirits and fill me with hope. Aghhh now it seems like I am blowing my own trumpet but I am just trying to give my view on life just being about ME..It's not (as I see it). If we could all just learn to get along with more give and take instead of just take..the world would be a much better place..

Sweetmix (63)

Posted by: sweetmixture at December 16, 2011 11:11 PM

Amber

hearing ya :-)

Admittedly, a few of the guys I had met appeared surprised by my suggestions. I could see it on their faces. At the same time, it was something that a few of them had never considered. I hope I opened their minds up a little but as you have pointed out, its up to the individual and they will do whatever is best for them. If they were being polite, good on them. I prefer them to be upfront and honest.

You mentioned in another post, the fun of dating is often removed by the seriousness of it all (with some people)...

I've been out there having fun and not taking much of anything too seriously at any of the meets and greets I've had. I have been my self. Have not been afraid to speak my mind etc.

I see it like this

its all about ME and what I want :-)

I have made it about everyone else all my life and its time to be selfish (in a good way for ME)

Some might see that as selfish and inconsiderate. And I'm ok with what other people might think

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 16, 2011 7:37 AM

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 15, 2011 6:52 AM

"When they start carrying on with the same "oh I meet one at a time" line, I promptly challenge them with the"Why? We're all all single here. We should be out there meeting people and getting to know them". Then they relax and have a laugh with me about it."

Maybe they do Unique - but they could just be being very polite :)

Personally I don't think it matters whether people choose to meet multiple people within a few days - or meet one person at a time - it is all about people feeling comfortable with the process.
No one should feel they need to justify why they choose to do things a certain way.

Some of us are extroverts and in a hurry to meet someone - so multiple quick meets is the way they wish to go - for others who may be quieter - being in contact with one person at a time over a few weeks is the way they wish to do things.

As long as people are wiling to listen to others - and be up-front and honest about things if they are meeting more than one person at a time - it doesn't really matter at the end of the day.

It's only when those who think their way is the only way - start riding rough-shod over other people that there are likely to be problems.
If the one who likes to move along quickly doesn't wish to wait for a quieter person to take their time - that is fine - but 'pushing' someone merely to get your own way is not.

There are positives and negatives in both approaches - so no one is right or wrong in their opinion - but I am pretty certain if someone feels they have the right to push someone else out of their comfort zone just to meet their own needs - and doesn't stop to consider how he other person might be feeling - then they are unlikely to be compatible anyway.

Meeting people it is obvious you are quite incompatible with, is just a waste of time and effort IMO.
Unless of course, you are both just after a quick hook up or booty call and then it isn't going to matter anyway.

Posted by: amberlightrose at December 15, 2011 5:54 PM

Another important thing to remind ourselves of is

We're all single and supposed to be OUT THERE meeting people. I have met people and ALWAYS assumed that they have been doing the same thing.

When they start carrying on with the same "oh I meet one at a time" line, I promptly challenge them with the"Why? We're all all single here. We should be out there meeting people and getting to know them". Then they relax and have a laugh with me about it.

I have always figured that if they're REALLY interested, they'll go for it. And if they're uncomfortable with doing what SHOULD come naturally as singles, that I won't be hearing from then again.

Sometimes people want to know that they're our ONLY option. There are no misconceptions in my mind about this. I will have my options open until someone closes the deal or until I want to close the deal

LOL

No time for jealousy in the single world. Everyone is fair game.

In the world of commitment however?

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 15, 2011 6:52 AM

Hey bigman, dating one person at a time is good for me, and always has been, because I've got a bad memory and probably would keep repeating myself, or asking if I'd already told them that!!! Joking of course. But seriously, what's the rush? It takes time to grow a new friend! (If there was an emoticon I could use here, it would be a flower). Besides, I don't waste time seeing somebody again and again, unless I enjoy their company, and as soon as I find something that is a deal breaker, I'm out of there! I must have met at least 12 from here this year, and some were just for coffee, a one off, some I saw a couple more times, a few I dated for up to a month, or two, before I decided that it wasn't for me. But I only ever saw one at a time. End one, start a new. Pretty simple. This one is nearly 3 months! Looks like continuing for a while yet. It's a numbers game, if it is a game, and 1 is ok with me. Now get your head down to study, and have a ball meeting lots of ladies, and try not to confuse yourself with their names!

Posted by: singlejoy at December 14, 2011 10:32 PM

Big honey, a tricycle, novel but precarious idea!
You should know me well enough to conclude, that, although I be a very generously spirited soul, and love to play nooooiiiice in the sandpit. I can be however rather selfish a tad.
Indeed, once attached have been known to be quite possessive - and really not into sharing, umm, err... toys.

Barb, "Looking forward to the "Battle of The Alpha Males".
Let the show begin!

Lets get ringside tickets!

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 14, 2011 5:46 PM

Hey Bigman,

ROFLMAO Oh the mental images!

cheers,
Barb

Posted by: barbaraw at December 14, 2011 5:37 PM

Hey barb, I was under the impression peaceful has a tandem and couldn't find someone to push it for him!!!! Perhaps stephen could assist him relocate it!!!! A tricycle perchance with unique and lltd included?

On with the search!

Posted by: thebigman9 at December 14, 2011 2:17 PM

Singlejoy,
That is wonderful. Another step forward on what is hopefully a long, happy and fulfilling journey.
Really hope everything works our for you both :)

As a young person, I felt the heavy breath of the green-eyed monster quite often - but now I am older I recognise that feeling jealous is so much more about the person who is feeling the emotion.
If you felt worthy enough - you wouldn't feel so insecure and needy - you would feel confident that you are also deserving of the freedom and choice that the other person is making.
You would feel that you are also loveable and desirable.
It's only if you don't feel these things about yourself, that you are likely to become jealous and possessive of someone else.

I would much rather know that someone is with me because he freely chooses to be with me - not because he feels guilty or obligated.
I am a person who needs my 'space' and I couldn't stand being with someone who wanted to keep tabs on my every waking moment.
If I want that trust and freedom to be given to me by someone else, then I need to be prepared to be trusting and give that to another person myself.

There are those who deliberately try to make their partner jealous - so they feel less insecure - which is a horrible, cruel game.
Such people are not capable of a mature adult relationship and until they 'grow up' - are just not good to be with.

I am a little more like LLTD and Spankme (heaven forbid!) on this one Unique.
I am not keen on seeing/contacting more than one person at a time - unless it just happened that I was contacted by more than one person at the same time - then I might consider it for a short while.
Simply because I am in no particular hurry to find 'the one'.
It's as much about enjoying my life and feeling good about myself as meeting a partner - and I just wouldn't feel right or comfortable still looking for someone else while I was dating someone.

But that's just me - and a happy life is to me - like you, about being true to and honest with yourself first.
How can you be honest with someone else if you can't even be true to yourself?

Posted by: amberlightrose at December 13, 2011 9:25 PM

Mr Big,

Are you trying to shove Peaceful out of the picture? That's not very sporting of you - you could at least let him locate his bike first!
Looking forward to the "Battle of The Alpha Males".
Stephen54 - come and stake your claim to the right to participate.

Let the show begin!

Barb

Posted by: barbaraw at December 13, 2011 9:19 PM

Hasn't this topic had some interesting switches and changes? We started out well and truly discussing jealousy and all the angst, problems, solutions and repercussions that little 'bitch' brings to our lives, then moved to dating/meeting/greeting single or multiple partners. Great work fellow bloggers!

On the issue of single v multiple dates (I'll use that word for ease of writing but I agree with unique - don't fall over - meetings or greetings are better descriptions), it's hard to know where to stand.

If we follow spankmehoney and singlejoy's 'rule' finding your Ideal match could take a very, long time due to the lengthy process one must go through in order to even set up the meet and greet. However, to counter-balance that, unique has a valid point (if you've picked yourself up from the previous compliment, don't fall over again!!) with regard to multiple dating. Variety is the spice of life.

I just hope, as lltd stated a while ago, you multiple daters have a good diary, remember who you're talking/texting/emailing with and their names!!!!

Posted by: thebigman9 at December 13, 2011 4:13 PM

Dispense with the word date and replace with the words meet & greet

I think there's nothing wrong with meeting & greeting multiple people and actually encourage it.

Its not like you're being intimate with everyone you meet. you're only meeting!

we'd. be here til kingdom at that rate lol

Speed the process up a little and add a bit of spice & excitement. I did and look where it got me

Hooked up lol

And no I will not take my profile down. He hasn't either. Who cares ? If you're committed you're committed.

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 12, 2011 5:14 PM

Singlejoy and Spankme,
Dating one persona at a time is the most respectful scenario, shows tangible integrity - a rare commodity at times, I've found.

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 12, 2011 3:55 PM

Ah yes, lltd and magnet! You two seriously need to see a doctor. The ones who examine your head because between the both of you there appear to be not very, many brain cells working at the moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Posted by: thebigman9 at December 12, 2011 3:44 PM

I agree with the approach taken by single joy - date only one person at a time - it really does not take long to work out if you want to keep seeing them or not, this can be ascertained in one date.

Multiple dating - if a woman did this to me I would loose interest in her within a heartbeat no matter what iI thought of her to begin with. I am not going to try or be forced or coerced in someway to "compete" with someone.

if she wants to date someone else - fine go ahead just do not contact me ever again

Multiple dating is bet hedging -- not a practice I am fond of at all

Posted by: spankmehoneey at December 12, 2011 1:25 PM

Singlejoy, looks like all your Christmas's have come at once, sista, definitely looking forward to the next chapter.

Received this from Ms Magnet and thought I'd share...

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? It stays up for 12 days & nights, has cute balls & looks good with the lights on!!!

Smile, it increases your face value.

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 12, 2011 12:31 PM

lltd...he's planning the perfect going away...he's such a planner who is very creative and thoughtful...and I will plan the perfect welcome! With all the trimmings! And that's got nothing to do with Xmas trees! If you get my drift! Now that I know we're on the same page, we can read a good book together, can't we? lol. Cheers.

Posted by: singlejoy at December 12, 2011 9:24 AM

Singlejoy, I am so pleased for you, I can feel the heat radiating from your beaming smile.

Absence, makes the heart grow fonder, I would use this time apart to catch up with your girlfriends, keep busy, it will fly past.

Oh the joy in planning the perrrfect welcome home... wink wink....

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 11, 2011 11:49 PM

Thanks Barb and Margie. Happy holidays to you both!

Posted by: singlejoy at December 11, 2011 8:38 PM

Hi Singlejoy, That's fantastic. Have lots of fun.

Whatever xo (and all your blogging friends I'm sure)

Posted by: whateveritmeans at December 11, 2011 8:24 PM

Hi singlejoy,

Congratulations - so happy for you. Have a great time being doublejoy :-)

Posted by: barbaraw at December 11, 2011 7:38 PM

Posted by: singlejoy at December 11, 2011 6:15 PM ...merry christmas SJ, you happy little blogger you!

best wishes from
M xxx

Posted by: margie284 at December 11, 2011 7:34 PM

LLTD and you other nice people, I'm back from a very interesting weekend. Well, let me say firstly, I didn't need to ask the question! I already knew the answer, but I did. I am pleased to say, that, yes, we are definately exclusive! Wow, we talked, or rather I asked just the right subtle questions, and he talked for hours! Didn't do much for the sex life though, there are only so many hours in a night, but the clearing of the air, and the insights were worth it. Now all I have to do is fill in 3 weeks over Xmas while he's away with his family, and see how things go from there. I have a feeling they are going to be much more relaxed. Thanks once again for listening, and for your comments. Bye from this happy little blogger!

Posted by: singlejoy at December 11, 2011 6:15 PM

Hi all, I agree with many like LLTD, thank-you for you post ;)
I believe exclusivity should happen pretty quickly so that the green-eyed monster doesn't rear and spoil things. A kiss, a few mails, a date and if it's all good, it's time to go hidden and whack on the balls and chains...lol.... For me anything short of that would just be shopping.
At the same time I'm not discounting that an attraction may grow over time but from the relationships I;ve had in the past, if there wasn't a strong attraction in the first place the relationship was unlikely to last.
We are all adults, we know what we like, we've got a good idea if it's going to work and by jeeves, it's why we are here in the first place isn't it. Personally, Im unlikely to send anyone a kiss who is also looking for friends however, with that box ticked, it would not stop me from replying...

Posted by: robert4x4motorhome at December 10, 2011 12:15 AM

No I haven't asked him ladylikestodance, but he really doesn't seem to have much time, but of course there are evenings during the week. There is definately some 'tension' at the moment, but as he's going to Melbourne for 3 weeks with family on Friday, I'll wait till he gets back, and the break is probably very timely. It will be make or break I think, and will be 3 months at Xmas. He maybe feeling a little edgy like me, as I usually do at this time of 2 months or so. Whatever happens happens. He may be picks up my vibes, and I his. I'm looking forward to the break actually, as it always helps to step outside the square and observe how things look from the outside looking in.Thanks Margie xx

Posted by: singlejoy at December 9, 2011 8:12 PM

Singlejoy, just out of curiosity have you asked him if he is dating other femmes?

One of the things that gave me comfort was that the gent would always tell me in what his movements/plans were for the next couple of days. Of course he could lie, but given work and other commitments, you would know if there were pockets of time unaccounted for.

Just a thought. Enjoy the moments, relish in making history together and good Luck with your coupling.

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 9, 2011 4:28 PM

Good luck SJ...

M xxx

Posted by: margie284 at December 9, 2011 11:39 AM

Thank you all for your helpful comments. But anan...I didn't say I wouldn't mind if he slept with somebody else...just the opposite that would be a real deal buster for me, and I would end it pronto. The dating thing not so bad, but would rather he didn't. I remember telling him in the first week that I never dated more than one person at a time. One is enough for me to handle I said, laughing. So he heard me. But I haven't heard him say anything. It's so easy to presume things with people isn't it! We all do it. Make judgements etc. But glad for the comments from you nice people. All the best, and I'll keep you posted. Hope I don't shoot myself in the foot and end it. I have a habit of doing that at around 2 -3 months! I figure I know what values they have and how they treat me by then. This lovely man is still pulling out the chair and opening the door! In the past I've not let that happen, because I'm so independent, but because he is an officer and a gentleman, I let him. Kinda like it too! Take care all.

Posted by: singlejoy at December 8, 2011 2:54 PM

Men were not made to have ONE partner

True or false

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 8, 2011 2:26 PM

Each to their own, absobloodylutely, we are all adults.
I would not entertain the idea of being intimate with someone without the prior exclusivity commitment. And I would be affronted if this wasn't reciprocated. We can date, but for a progression to intimacy, this explicit discussion is mandatory for moi.

Singlejoy, I am very surprised to hear you say, you would not be bothered if he dated other woman, and you were intimate with him.
You certainly are a bigger person than I am.

If I start conversing with a gent and he takes his profile off, to me that is a good sign that he is interested in exploring the possibility of a deeper connection. And if I am on the same page, I would reciprocate. To me, then, that is a show of mutual respect and understanding. Otherwise, in my view, they are players, and I wouldn't be playing with them!

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 8, 2011 10:32 AM

As it is

yeah no worries. Let us focus then on HOW this can be discussed - "the approach"

Single joy, I will date other men until HE brings up exclusivity. Until HE can't help but express his desire to be exclusive. I will ENCOURAGE him to date other women and enjoy my time with him. I'm having fun and not worried about exclusivity.

Even with exclusivity, I am merely enjoying every moment with him. Every moment with my friends. Every moment with my family. Every moment training at my gym. Every moment here on there blogs etc

the only difference is in exclusivity, I am seeing ONLY him. Nothing else will change. Fun, enjoyment, happiness is at the base of everything I do

Because its all about ME - not him or what he MIGHT think.

Be the strong REAL beautiful free soul that you are my dear. To thine own self be true

Approach:

Casually in conversation during a close relaxed moment. Ask him straight out.

"How do you feel about exclusivity"?

This way you are not really incriminating yourself if that's what you're worried about.

Or

"I've come to a point where I no longer wish to date other men. Will you marry me"?

Hehe just kidding.

"Id like us to be exclusive. How do you feel about that"?

Lay it out :-)

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 8, 2011 8:51 AM

Posted by: singlejoy at December 6, 2011 10:07 PM

Having just gone here and had this discussion after about a month, I'm fascinated by your statement that you don't mind if he sleeps with someone else. That to me is the key issue, particularly if you are engaged in unprotected sex.

Timing of 1, 2, 3 or 6 months doesn't matter if it is progressing comfortably on the emotional side. No need to rush it, it will just work out in its own good time.

AnA

Posted by: ananachronism at December 7, 2011 5:02 PM

Just mull over what it is you are feeling (another form of counting to 10 I guess), you analyse...that's you, others don't...that's them. You are a smart lady, you will know what feels right, trust your instincts.

I will add one thing though, if you are thinking about throwing the baby out with the bath water per previous encounters as you mentioned, give it just a little longer (count to 30 let's call it ha, ha), just in case. Your perspective may change or he may bring up the subject...who knows, stranger things have happened.

Sometimes we have to remove one layer of our barricade at least so we can see what's on the other side, don't we? Whatever the case may turn out to be, my thoughts are with you, just don't drive yourself crazy over it xx

M xxx

Posted by: margie284 at December 7, 2011 4:35 PM

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 7, 2011 12:52 PM

Sorry, I guess I wasn't clear in what I meant. I agree there are lots of things we may do to 'scare' someone off however I don't believe one of those things is speaking to them about exclusivity after an appropriate amount of time. If they run after that talk then I believe they had no intention of sustaining the relationship or have a few issues they need to resolve. These, of course, are my thoughts based upon my experience only. I also believe that, by asking the question here, the thought is in the mind of singlejoy and, once there, it needs to be acted upon. Again, that's just me. I wish all the best of luck.

Posted by: asitis09 at December 7, 2011 4:28 PM

Good advice ooouniq :)
Singlejoy .. I am in a similar position myself atm. Occasionally I want to have that conversation but then I make myself count to 10 :) .. If it is meant to be it will be.
It is fear of being hurt that makes us want to lock answers in .. but will it hurt any less if he tells you it is exclusive and then a month down the track it ends? I think not. Relax and smile.
Hmmm while Im here I might just add my thoughts on Jealousy... It is just an emotion and like all emotions unless extreme and unreasonable is ok to feel.
If I don't feel a tinge of jealousy when the man I am with is talking to another woman I know my feelings for him are neutral. When we have somebody in our lives we have feelings for we naturally see things in them we think are awesome and assume that everybody else can see their awesomeness as well :) common sense tells us this isn't true but since when is love sensible?
I can however keep this little green monster at bay and never feel jealous of my partners friends/family/outside interests. That in my opinion is unhealthy and I would run fast if somebody was like that with me.
Goodluck S :)

Posted by: sweeetlillee at December 7, 2011 3:29 PM

Hi Margie, it does bother me if he is sleeping with someone else of course, but if he is also dating other women that might not bother me too much. However, I never date more than one person let alone sleep with anyone else. But really, he spends most of his weekends with me, and lunch or dinner during the week. He works long hours too, but he could meet others if he wanted to I guess. I don't feel insecure about it, because he spoils me so much and we have heaps in common and do things together that we both enjoy. My question was really, is 2.5 months long enough to expect exclusivity? Even if you don't really have any doubts. We both like our own space, we are very similar in many ways, being the same star sign..lol...we understand each other heaps.I read an article once by some relationship fellow who says you should clarify the 'exclusivity' issue at about 2 months so you at least know you're on the same page. I really enjoy everything Unique, and he hasn't walked away yet. I seem to be a bit edgy at around 2 months, but that's me analysing. I keep those thoughts to myself. He does the same I'll bet, because we are so alike in many ways.

Posted by: singlejoy at December 7, 2011 3:03 PM

Hi Singlejoy, I have two questions for you.

Does it matter to you, at this point, if he is meeting new and/or dating other people?

Are you?

Have a think and best wishes
M xxx

Posted by: margie284 at December 7, 2011 1:33 PM

I disagree A

I have driven men away by being too emotionally clingy and analytical. Insecurity will do it to us every time lol

I have also driven then away with my temper and losing the plot like a psycho bitch

And then I learned all about what DOESN'T work for ANYONE lol

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 7, 2011 12:52 PM

Posted by: singlejoy at December 6, 2011 10:07 PM

Maybe two months a bit early however by three months a relationship should be at a point where this discussion is worthwhile. If he is committed to the relationship he will like to have an understanding and may appreciate your commitment to the relationship. If he is unsure or is not committed to a potentially longer term then maybe he'll run. Up to you if you would rather know or not I guess.

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 7, 2011 9:09 AM

You only drive those away who were never going to commit anyway......I think.

Posted by: asitis09 at December 7, 2011 11:02 AM

Single joy

just enjoy it. There doesn't have to be a verbal agreement.

Once we get all analytical and serious and emotionally a little MORE involved, we drive them away.

Just continue to be happy with yourself and be you and understand that if he were not happy, he woulda walked away.

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 7, 2011 9:09 AM

I have a question to ask you lovely people. When is it time to find out about the 'exclusivity' thing? I have been dating my new man for just over 2 months now, and we have not discussed it. I know it's not wise to presume anything, but, when, in your opinion is a good time to find out?
I did not meet him on this site so I don't have this kind of profile to mull over. Any advice would be most appreciated. I don't want to
scare him off! Nor do I want to presume what may not be true. However, I don't think there is a problem at this point. The 2 month thing is a funny time for me, it always make me do quite a bit of analysing, and, lol, I often end things at this time. However, I would love to hear about your experiences on this matter.

Posted by: singlejoy at December 6, 2011 10:07 PM

No one said they didn't exist and no one is denying it

Controlling it doesn't work and this goes deeper than you can understand right now.

In other words I can't be bothered explaining it right now. These are issues for the individual to discover and understand when THEY are ready and not a second before.

Peaceful and Amber have a desk top. I have mobile lol

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 6, 2011 6:23 AM

Well said oh uniquee one! However, whilst what you've said makes perfect sense, I suspect the reason could also be similar to those who state, "I don't want anyone with baggage!",

Jealousy, envy, lust, pride all will rear up in any relationship. They are part of human nature and to deny they exist is ridiculous. It really boils down to whether or not they can be controlled or used to better yourself.

I am jealous my ex-wife has a new partner, I am envious of my friends who are in stable relationships, I lust after women all day because I don't have one to come home to, and I take pride in the fact that I'm putting myself up, each and every time someone looks at my profile, for ridicule, for rejection, for contact.

If we act and think positively, good things will come our way. They may take a while but eventually they'll arrive.

Posted by: thebigman9 at December 1, 2011 6:55 PM

Unik, jealousy & insecurity...case in point...blogging increases our presence on the site - and it amuses moi as it does fellow bloggers the gamut of visitors who pop in to check us out. All good, light hearted fun, right?
RSVP must had an algorithm (kisses x traffic x responses, I presume) which then selects the profiles for promotion, which I was not aware of back then.

Well how about this scenario; was emailing nicely getting to know this gent over a few weeks, when out of the blue, he tells me he will not be continuing. And the reason - for which I am still amazed. Cos, I was in the Top100 and he does not wish to compete for my attention! So hun hand me those baskets; jealousy/insecurity or insecurity/jealousy *scratching head*

Posted by: ladylikestodance at December 1, 2011 6:25 PM

Lets spice it up

Jealousy exists only in people who are insecure

The reason why no one wants to admit anything is because they're afraid it might ruin their chances with an online reader

that they haven't even MET !!!

HAHAHA

Posted by: ooouniqueooo at December 1, 2011 11:54 AM

Hmmmm..interesting. This topic does not seem to be getting off the ground. Could it be perhaps that some people just cannot admit they have the little green horns and find it too difficult to talk about? Lol!

Sweetmix (63)

Posted by: sweetmixture at November 22, 2011 7:56 AM

Remi..in my case I think it was lack of communication. Had I known more about why the person was ringing my man friend then I don't think I would have experienced any jealousy and our relationship was still a fairly new one at that point but having communicated with me a little later I felt satisfied with what he told me and never felt that way again. I didn't really understand the feelings I was experiencing as I had no reason to feel jealous in my past relationship with my husband. There would be some who would say "well if you had trusted your friend then you would never have been jealous" Admittedly if I had trusted him I guess this would have been the case but being a fairly new relationship and still learning about each other I hate to say it but I did feel a little jealous. So in my case it was both..lack of communication AND jealousy lol You see I am a person who relates if I get a phone call and someone is with me. I would say.. "oh that was......" and fill the other person in as to what the phone call was about however I do realise that some are not predisposed to doing that and feel their phone calls are no one else's business and that would be quite correct also.

Thebigman is quite right in saying that jealousy can rear its ugly head in many other areas of life, not just personal relationships. There are many people who no matter what are always jealous of what "Mr/Mrs Smith" has when it comes to a home, car, phone, a promotion at work or the latest new appliance etc etc Unfortunately there is not much one can do about that type of personality except be happy if you are lucky enough to not have one around you as unfortunately people like this are never happy unless they are keeping up with the Jones'

Imagine having a partner who goes through your phone messages all the time or grills you constantly like the gestapo to find out what you did throughout the day because of jealousy..I think that would be just horrendous and if I ever noticed a new prospective partner acting like that I would be off like a shot!

I really like this topic and am enjoying the varied replies immensely..smiles...

Sweetmix (63)

Posted by: sweetmixture at November 19, 2011 8:40 PM

for magnet... From my perspective, one example of going for the the wrong types could possilbly be a female who goes for an 'emotionally unavailable'male. When the female engages with an emotionally unavailable male, she experiences insecurity (jealously) as the male is focusing his attention on everything else (mates, alcohol, other females) other than her. The female may then engage in behaviours like, making accusations, asking where the male has been all the time, ringing, texting etc.... It can also work the other way, where a female can be emotionally unavailable with a male.... O.

Posted by: oops65 at November 19, 2011 10:32 AM

Yes well good luck with this issue.

There is no rational way it can be delt with.

Posted by: stephen54 at November 18, 2011 11:28 PM

Ah, the green-eyed monster!!! It can take all forms and is not just about concerns over your ex or your past r'ships. It can be about your work, your leisure activities, your family, your friends, if you are the type of person that allows jealousy to 'rear its ugly head' there's not a lot that can be done about it. Really, it's how you manage it and whether or not you can keep the 'genie in the bottle'. Let the bitch out and bang, there goes the r'ship! Keep her under control and manageable and you have a chance at succeeding.

I certainly got a few metaphors in that comment didn't I?

Posted by: thebigman9 at November 18, 2011 8:26 PM

I see 8 before yours msmagnet..smiles....

Sweetmix (63)

Posted by: sweetmixture at November 18, 2011 4:01 PM

oops65, your post made my post look silly...hehehe. It was showing your post in number but not in actuality. Oh well there will be glitches occasionally.
Don't quite get what you mean?? As the famous Pauline would say....Please explain??? lol
Magnet

Posted by: msmagnet11 at November 18, 2011 3:05 PM

Sweetmix, what do you reckon comes first? Jealousy or lack of communication. Maybe it's misinterpretation too. I think the jealousy bug often bights long before we realise it. I live and love relationships but they can be hard work at times; particularly when dealing with jealous people. And when they don't get it, it's hard to love them through it.

Posted by: reminiscing1 at November 18, 2011 2:31 PM

The topic is showing 8 posts prior to this one. I think I can count and I only count 7 before mine, what's happened??? do we have ghost bloggers now ...lol
Magnet

Posted by: msmagnet11 at November 18, 2011 11:57 AM

Hi again, this thread tends align quite nicely with the other thread 'how to stay away from the wrong types'. By this I mean that if one goes for the 'wrong type' one negative emotion experienced could possibly include 'jealousy'..... O.

Posted by: oops65 at November 17, 2011 10:00 PM

I remember in the first relationship I had after my husband died, experiencing pangs of jealousy a couple of times when my man friend talked back and forth to some lady he had known in the past. She lived in another state but was coming to NSW and wanted to catch up with him.. I kept my jealousy to myself about it until one night when she rang again and we were out at dinner. He never spoke about the content of the call and I decided to tell him that it was so weird because in all my life with my marriage I had never been jealous of my husband..yet here I was experiencing jealousy with him. I just told him outright that I never thought I was the type to be jealous but was experiencing some strange feelings which indicated to me that it sure was possible for the little green eyed monster to take a hold lol..After we discussed it in a calm and rational manner, I never felt that way again..completely trusting him for the time we were together...Normally it has never been a part of my character but just goes to show it can happen but like it has been said so many times..communication is the key.....

Sweetmix (63)

Posted by: sweetmixture at November 8, 2011 12:52 PM

Realelegance I enjoyed reading your post good to read about others experinces.

Last time I was on a dating site I was jealous or to clingy I really didn't meet anyone to date just talked mostly via emails but I felt so alone and desperate for a date.

This time I am much happy with my self and my life that I can wait till I think it is time to say yes to a date, just need the contact with someone compatible.

I can't see myself getting jealous because I suppose I would not want to get a jealous man who became over bearing myself. This would be aweful and a little scary.

Posted by: timesrightnow1 at November 8, 2011 10:26 AM

What a great and important topic. Jealousy can be present at the core of so many relationship problems. Any competitiveness arises from it. Anger arises from it. Bitterness and envy arise from it. I think it's so important for us as people to focus on ourselves and the part we play in life. As soon as we start comparing or measuring ourselves against others including a date or partner, we fail. Jealousy is at the heart of all this and must be managed and eradicated to live in happy relationships. We are all different and our own journeys are just that, our own.

Posted by: reminiscing1 at October 30, 2011 3:11 PM

Hmm LLTD... I dunno... Maybe I see things way too easily these days... I'll share how I see it and what I'm doing with this whole meet, greet, and get to know process and show how jealousy can be a thing of the past...
Firstly, I am a pretty cruisy "see things as they are" chick these days... I never used to be this way though lol. I would describe the former me as being too trusting, anxious, suspicious, over analytical, insecure, too nice, low self esteem, still hurting or not over hurt from betrayal etc. I'd say that I thought things were supposed to be done a certain way - that I had to be treated a certain way...
I didn't know how to have a conversation without analyzing, anticipating, or second guessing - and then passing judgement or becoming hopeful...
I'd be so focused on the OTHER person - the "love interest" lol... Whether they were into me, What they were doing, where they were, who they were with, whether there were any other women around hahaha... Why they hadn't rung etc. God, I look back on it and think YOU JEALOUS INSECURE CONTROL FREAKING IDIOT!!
I lost my groove... Forgot about living MY life and having fun in MY life... Doing the stuff I liked doing. I had to make sure I had control over my man. But I couldn't see what I was doing...
Now? No I don't do that and I won't... Been there done it and it didn't work... Now? I'll date someone and enjoy that date for the time that it lasts - I don't read anything into it. First, second, third, fourth... Because I'm only getting to know someone (slowly)... I want to know the person - what he likes, etc how he thinks etc. I don't wonder if he likes me. I only know that he's enjoying an exchange of information and my company. That's exactly what I'm enjoying too. I'm open & honest about being single and meeting people with a view to longterm and I encourage the men I meet to feel comfortable enough to do the same... In my world, caution is thrown to the wind and interest is expressed openly & honestly... My life is full with girly catchups, live theatre, dancing, karaoke, training, dating etc. I'll never lose my groove or become so engulfed in ANY man again that I lose it :-)
Eventually, one guy will come to the fore and we'll enjoy a beautiful experience of synchronized connections & explosive chemistry... Minus the jealousy & insecurity lol

Posted by: realelegance at October 29, 2011 11:14 PM

Strewth John, insightful and pertinent. Wise advice.
I wonder how many RSVP weary warriors will be brave and post? Well here goes�you touched a nerve on intensity and asking too many questions.

With green coloured eyes, a hopeless romantic Piscean emotional junkie - I'm predisposed to be intense, it's in my DNA. Ha!

How to manage this fine dance of tempo and pace of give and take while on the journey of discovery� without intimidating intensity � master the subtleness of interest and aloofness. To aptly hone�s ones gut instinct, create balance between cautiously nurturing the relationship, while keeping emotions in check (especially if one feels a connection).

They present well, speak well, are articulate, witty, attractive, charming; indeed, a fair 3D representation of their profile, tick a lot of your boxes and exhibit a lot of promise. How does one go about establishing trust and equilibrium with a potential partner, when you have only known the person for a short period?

I appreciate no one would enjoy an interrogation, but if you�re spending time with someone, over a couple of weeks, there would be mutual exchanges of past life experiences etc. Indeed, a red flag for moi, if this is not forthcoming freely.

Trust and respect will alleviate insecurity but, for trust to be established, time plus various experiences (thru dating) are required. And during those shared experiences there is bonding, emotions, judgments, assumptions thrive � and before you know it, you are involved and invested in this person, but does he walk the talk?

They say a person is able to keep up appearances (if they are presenting something they are not) up to a max of three months. How many would have the perseverance and patience to reach that marker � to cherish and cultivate the emotional intimacy before the physical?

Even establishing exclusivity - how do you know that the other is of their word? Based on a few dates - hardly.

Ah� equilibrium (beautiful word, elusive state); the careful calibration of the temperate emotion-o-metre. The "are we on the same page" litmus test dipped in vulnerability and trepidation. So the blend and frequency of communication (txt's, emails, calls), meetings (dates) what and how much is comfortable for both. Red flag if one sided - although I am a traditionalist in this regard- and like to be wooed � nevertheless, a fully paid subscriber to the principle of reciprocity.

Emotions (the bane of my existence), mutable, hard to control especially when the heart is interested and invested. Alas, humility, sprinkled with insecurity and vulnerability is grounding. Though the gamut of emotional maturity is essential for successful personal relationships, if one is to grow, learn and evolve.

BUT...have never snooped, and would be mortified if someone was to go through my things � not because I have anything to hide, I offer and seek tangible integrity

SO, if anyone can shed some light on the delicate mix between caution and interest, please share your recipe.

Posted by: ladylikestodance at October 29, 2011 4:46 PM

So once relationship begins? I'd like to think that we've all learned from previous experience. I've certainly been jealous & insecure! And I've learned where it got me too - NOWHERE haha... I no longer wanted to be that person and sought to become more accepting, and understanding. Of my SELF... I became aware of the reasons for my jealousy and insecurity and began a journey to address those issues... we can pretend, avoid looking at, and distract ourselves from admitting our own truths but bottom line is if we KNOW it, doing nothing will not give us a different result... It centers around the need to control and while we know at an intellectual level that we only have control over OURSELVES, when it comes to relationship??? Hmmm lol...

Posted by: realelegance at October 29, 2011 4:41 PM

Hello all, mostly common-sense. Point 8 should state: if exclusivity(? spelling?) is discussed and agreed to, then the expectation is legitimate, which in particular cases, negates Pt 7. Why not burn out the mate rather than burn out the friends. After all, the guy has been dodgy and they (the friends) are the ones who have stuck by, through thick and thin! Or, is this a case of being "Too Nice"? What is the solution because I think at the age of most bloggers, we are well past the jealousy and recognise the feeling as 'waste of energy, waste of time'. What's the consensus?

M xxx

Posted by: margie284 at October 28, 2011 8:58 PM