RSVP Blog

It's a bit different in my case.....

I have been single since I was 8 weeks pregnant. My son is now 2.5 months old and even though he absorbs a lot or energy, I am getting lonely during the quiet times that he doesn't cry for a feed or cuddles. His father isn't in his life either, so there's not really much of a male influence in his life at the moment. That could add extra pressure to someone Im dating, as they would realize that they would be the man my son would have to look upto at some stage.

Anyhoo, as my son is still a newborn, he needs a lot of my attention. Therefor I dont get a lot of chances to leave the house without him. Sure, I have my parents to babysit him, but he still needs to be fed after a few hours.

If I meet someone who has kids himself, I'll be likely to introduce him to my son sooner, than someone who hasn't got a child of their own. In that case I would need to date someone long enough to know for sure that he can accept the fact that my son will always be my top priority, but also that he can handle a baby who cries regularly and needs a lot of my attention for the first few years. If I dont feel someone can handle that kind of pressure, I will not introduce him to my son and will stop dating him.

Every person is different though. One man can adjust very well and take on the roll of a stepfather quite easily, but another needs some time and guidance to step into that roll more comfortably.

So when will I introduce a date to my son? It will depend on the man I am dating :o)

Posted by: biteme1979 at March 4, 2010 6:41 AM

I agree with love2talk2u kids who are older are much more laid back. They aren't too interested in who their parents are dating but they do want to know the person and they do want to know that their parent is happy....We worry more than they do

Posted by: vooca at March 3, 2010 10:10 PM

This is really interesting to read but mostly to see that the answers kinda match. Those with older children who have shared their dating status with realise that these days teenagers don't really give a rats about who their parents are dating as long as the food is on the table on time, and even older children usually just want their parents to be happy. Problems generally arise when the children are younger or one of the 'daters' has no children of their own and this poses self esteem issues (not meant in a negative way). Kids will worry about whether their parents are going to leave or perhaps love the other person more than them and as for the new partner - well it's no holds barred. I have always been honest and totally up front with my kids and even though I am back on the dating scene after 13 years I find that because we are a very social family unit it is quite easy to introduce people as 'new friends' without causing any problems. Go with your instinct every time and you will have a clear conscience.

Posted by: love2talk2u at March 3, 2010 9:51 PM

From previous experience with my kids, I think it depends entirely on how they will cope with it. My two don't have any problems understanding that although they are my first priority, I am not just a dad, and I dont think either of them feel that I shouldn't be dating.

I did date one woman for quite some time though who's kids where the exact opposite of mine, and in no way were happy sharing their mother with anyone including their father.

I think you have to have some comonsense about it, what happens if you leave it to long and you both start to have feeelings for each other but the children are a problem.

Posted by: forgottenfreedom at February 14, 2010 11:20 AM

I think it's imporant to have had a few outings and metings with the other person on their own, to see how the two of you get along. I guees for me it's about weighing up the progression of the relationship, and the necessity of knowing how this person might get along (and cope well with) having small children as part of the mix. For me, I couldn't seriously consider anyone who wouldn't cope with this, and watching how they deal with this is part of my getting-to-know-you process. Obviously, having kids around alters the dynamics, to create a whole new type of interaction. And I guess from experience, when you seem to be getting along well as a twosome, and the other person is alright and interested in the idea of meeting the family, then you can find out what it's like to be together with kids around.

Posted by: frangipane21 at February 6, 2010 10:31 PM

Hi all...I believe there is no right or wrong time to introduce kids to a perspective partner. As I have many friends both male and female my kids are always meeting adults. Whem it comes to introducing them to someone 'special' i have always opted for the public approach...arrange to meet somewhere you normally would take your kids ie maccas, the park, icrecream shop. As the kids are familiar with this surrounding if you just 'happen to run into someone' while you are there then the kids wouldn't be phased by it. This is also great if the other person also has kids. If the relationship works out beyond this point in time then the kids are already familiar with this new person, so you going out to dinner with them or having them over to watch a movie is no big deal. Over course there comes a time when you tell them that you are more than just friends...but in my experience, kids aren't stupid. My advice...be open and honest...your kids (esp if older) will respect you more because of your honesty.

Posted by: kcgirl75 at February 3, 2010 7:07 PM

Hi all. Interesting comments! Can I throw into the mix a perspective from the other side- the girlfriend who is meeting the child of her boyfriend? It's nerve wrecking!! There is alot of pressure to "measure up". It feels like a test. If you don't pass in the child and your partners eyes, then very potentially the relationship ends. Also from my experience I miss one of my previous boyfriends son alot, no longer part of his life. So don't forget us without children, we are doing our best:-)

Posted by: leahng at January 18, 2010 8:56 PM

Hello ladies and gents, Personally I'm flat out getting past a first date with a woman let alone deciding whether to introduce her to my son. But hoping that will change soon, . . .Maybe (He thinks).

The reality is He'll probably be too busy playing halo on the X-Box, and say something like yeah cool, when's dinner Dad ? Seriously though, it's an important subject that I've only recently given proper thoughts to. Nice to read that common sense and putting your kid/s first still ranks high.

Enjoy the bloggs !

Posted by: convivium at January 18, 2010 8:03 PM

Posted by: gcgirl222 at January 16, 2010 6:02 PM

Hi there. Put the kids first is the right way. Kids go through enough trauma during a breakup. You have the right to set the standards (particularly as they don't seem to have any). Go with your instincts and trust them girl!

Posted by: roundmidnightm at January 18, 2010 10:35 AM

Goodness GC girl that is a difficult one.

I guess you have to place your trust in your ex-husband and that he would not endanger his children in any way. You knew him for all those years, and know what kind of a father he is.

If you have confidence in his qualities as a father then I believe you have to trust his judgement as to whether it is right for him to start the introduction process with his new partner.

If on past history you do not have confidence in his abilities then I would seek legal advice.

Good luck!

Jen

Posted by: jen234 at January 18, 2010 10:21 AM

Well, I am in a difficult position right now. My ex is now living with the woman he cheated on me and left me for and he wants to inroduce our 2 kids who are 8 and 4 to her. They have know each other for about 4 months. Problem is, this woman has 3 kids of her own who are aged 10,4 and 3 and is unfit to care for them so they live with her mother. Add to the fact that she moved away from her kids to live with my ex 5hrs away from her kids!!! So, am I doing the right thing saying there is no way my kids need to be exposed to this woman? Considering also that my ex wont disclose her full name or the reason she is an unfit mother!!!Kids come first I say

Posted by: gcgirl222 at January 16, 2010 6:02 PM

I agree, children shouldn't come into the equasion until the parent knows it is going somewhere.
Until the parent feels comfortable in introducing them as a friend, nothing more, because it sends a bad message to them.
Also a very important priority..if the child/children like the person, and the newcommer warms to them, kinda like an audition process, only then should it be taken further.
I know that if i dont feel the person will be accepting, it wont work,I don't think it would go very far , if this isn't discussed and you arn't happy with their attitude to taking on you AND your kids it should be a no deal. Although starting a new relationship is ideal, the kids come first.

Posted by: sunsettuscony32 at January 9, 2010 10:40 AM

When should the date meet the kids???
For me, I think when I feel ready that the date is going to be someone in my life more solid than just a date, someone that is committing to a relationship with me and accepting that children need to be respected as part of the relationship, vice versa if he has children.
I do not think it fair on children to see to many people come and go in their parents lifes, if there is a string of casual people. "But hay that is me."
I would keep the 1st few meetings very casual, outside of the home so the partner and child could build up a trust/bond with each other.
I think that is very important as well, that the children feel safe and secure in their homes with a new partner when he dose come around aventually.

Posted by: chantikjalita at November 22, 2009 11:24 AM

Once he/she has been psychologically profiled and passed a background check -and after many dates without the kids around. I have seen too many traumatised children who'se needs have been ignored because a parent is desperate to quickly find a new live in partner, often anyone will do. Please don't do this.

Posted by: shrinkingviolet0101 at November 21, 2009 11:01 PM

I think you can overload young children with explanations at times. They don't understand everything you say and therefore become a little fearful. If they see any awkwardness in you whilst you are talking to them that adds to it.

I believe actions speak far louder than words and children need consistency and a certain amount of routine. Children are normally extremely sociable little creatures and they love being with their friends as much as they love coming home. Basically I suppose it's nice for them to grow up seeing you also have friends and then you come home. I don't think it's a good idea for a child to grow up being totally doted on by a parent who never sees their own friends. They have little friends, you have big friends, you can talk about each others friends and the fun you had and slowly slowly see what happens. Include the child, welcome the child and really value their input. I think by being calm and extremely honest and always including the child is the way to go. Actions speak far louder than any words and being lied to by a parent is devastating for any littley. They know and see everything, they have their little friends, you have your bigger friends and hopefully they all mix in together happily.

Posted by: iaminperth at October 12, 2009 10:13 AM

Hi fellow community members,

This is a great topic for debate. I am really unsure of the answer to this dilemma, and it may depend on the ages of the children and a persons own value system. I know I would prefer for my children to meet and marry their husband and wife for life, even though or maybe because this has not been the case for me or my parents. Because I feel this way I would be very reluctant to have my children meet someone who is not going to be a permannent fixture in their lives. However, I do not lie about dating people, and they are at an age where questions will arise. Basically I try to behave only in a way that I would want my son and daughter to behave in, as I truly believe actions speak louder than words. I wish you luck Truetooneself, and I think you will find the right answer to your dilemma because you have already thought about the best way to go about it, when the time is right you will know.

Posted by: sunishinning at October 11, 2009 5:14 PM

Scarlette,

On reflection I think you are spot on. Maybe having the children witnessing a loving relationship would be good for them too. That would include you truetooneself.

Posted by: anordinaryfellow at October 7, 2009 12:40 AM

I think people here are being judgemental. everyone's time to introduce will be different.
You are not a bad parent if you have introduced your child to a new partner, then it didn't work out, then you met another and did the same thing. If society stopped trying to compartmentalise children from adults everyday lives, maybe things would be better.
Of course no one wants their child to be exposed to several potential new 'friends', but really, what harm can that do unless that person turned out to be negative toward the child.
You could stop your child from meeting someone you've been seeing for a whole year, and the next week they could turn out to be the wrong person for you, and conversly, you could wait only one month, and that person turned out to be your partner for life and the best thing that ever happened to your family.
It's hard enough being a single parent without all the opinions about how you are handling your love life and your child.

Practice tolerance.

Posted by: scarlettte at October 6, 2009 12:07 AM

oppss, To Truetooneself....thought you're a Mum? ok you are a Dad !, same advice, just change( addressing ,him'' to her'')..:))----
By the way,. You're a single Dad, have 90% of your time to the child !....where is the mother? does she look after her child?

Posted by: kicknpick at October 5, 2009 1:24 PM

Well done Karen posted Oct 2 at 5:55pm. I agree with you. good response to " truetooneself "...How could a 6 years old child to understand the adults relationship philosophy....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Trueoneself,....my humble advice, take it or leave it..
Setting a goals for yourself is smart move, challenging and fun. Push yourself quietly and effectively, you have your own life, deserved to be happy to someone new- may or may not bring that happiness you expect. You are in the first stage of knowing the person in a short period of time.
You can never assume to know the temperature of a relationship.

A relationship is dynamics's and changes monthly, daily, or sometimes hourly...You have to reassess it again and again on an ongoing basis. If things went wrong beyond your relationship expectation, I am pretty sure you don't want to involved a 6 years old child into confusing situation. Age 6 are vulnerable in natures, expecting a dreams of reality, living in fantasy playground, innocent and carefree. Say nothing if she asked question, introduce him as a friend- no more no less. Also very important don't be caught by your child doing things as partner intimate romance, beyond her understanding -what is going on between you and your boyfriend.
Let your child adjust to him in friendly way, how you picture of him. Just go easy and you'll be all right if you do. Your kids is your kids, there's no changes of great bond.. ...but in relationship...they are a weather-checking phase...you don't know the next forecast...

Posted by: kicknpick at October 4, 2009 4:04 PM

Oh ah... I appreciate your concerns. But ultimately, why should it be any different to when you would relate the so called 'normal' information on sexuality to a 6 year old? My advice would be to provide her with small pieces of 'truthful' information as she seeks it from you. Kids often ask questions of adults and adults give way to much information. Just give the basics as it is requested. That way, you address her immediate curiosity but give her time to digest that snippet before she will seek to know more. I am guessing you were discrete and not overtly sexual in front of your daughter with your hetero' partner... so just be the same with the man you introduce into your lives. How children cope with change or something new in their lives often depends on how the significant adults in their life cope with it. If you are calm, relaxed and sensible about it, you should not have a problem. Good luck :).

Posted by: karen59 at October 2, 2009 5:55 PM

Im a single Dad raising a daughter, I have her 90% of the time, we have a great bond, she is 6. I have also recently come out to my friends and family, so my question is when do I come out to her, and when do I tell her. She has seen me in a hetero relationship after my divorce, and was fine, and she wants me to find a new girlfriend, so how and when do I tell her it will be a boyfriend?

Posted by: truetooneself at October 1, 2009 12:35 AM

Yes, karen59 it is tough for my son. However it is the reality and all one can do is work with the reality of the situation. All that one can do is take responsibility of ones own action. What can I do? Compensate for how my son feels and make his bringing up the best I can and support him through the situation and remind him that he is important to both his mother and myself. Show him he is loved and cared for. This I will continue to do no matter what. None of us as you rightly put can control what others do and I certainly don't want to get involved there. Though I believe we can all compensate for others actions. How many times do you know of situations where one parent does a "runner" and the one who stays is able to bring up the child(ren) very successfully with a loving and nurturing relationship. My boys' situation is nowhere near that bad. With love and care they can grow to be the wonderful gentlemen I can see them already becoming, despite any obstacles.

Posted by: anordinaryfellow at September 22, 2009 12:17 PM

You don't think that was tough... or sad for your son? It was your son I was referring to!!!

Posted by: karen59 at September 21, 2009 11:01 PM

Karen59, I wouldn't say it's tough or sad, just reality and you are right, there is nothing I can do about the other side of the boys life.How long have I been separated? 2 years. How old is my oldest boy? 12 years. The next lady (and I am hopeful there will be a next) will have to be someone very, very special who I care deeply about.

Posted by: anordinaryfellow at September 21, 2009 9:32 PM

Hey ordinaryfellow, that is tough! Very sad. I don't think your ex is thinking about what is in the best interests of your children. Nothing that you can really do about that I am afraid. I wonder how old your son is, and how long since you and your ex separated...? Factors that all have an impact as to how children cope. He may have thought that while Dad remains single, there is hope of a relationship ressurrection. Children grieve the lose too, and more often than not, hold on to the slightest glimmer of hope that 'happy families' will resume. My advice, for what it is worth, don't introduce someone to young children unless you are sure that the relationship has some substance to it and a chance of longevity. Good luck!

Posted by: karen59 at September 21, 2009 6:36 PM

This is one thing I have struggled with. Since I separated from my ex-wife 2 years ago my children had another man walk into the house within days of me going and when that relationship ended the next one walked in the door within days. This has caused some major issues with my oldest son. This kid tries to please everyone so he didn't say anything until I introduced him to a friend(with prior warning) early this year. He then broke down a week or so later to tell me I didn't care about him just like his mother. I had thought that he would be ready for this. Naturally it tore my heart out. Now? well the relationship didn't work, but I loath the day that I have to go through that again and in some ways I have avoided company so I don't have to.

Posted by: anordinaryfellow at September 20, 2009 9:39 PM

Awwww Froggy and his widdle Taddies... that would be the cutest dang thang to see!
I bet they are awesome little wigglers Froggy!!

Posted by: karen59 at September 20, 2009 11:18 AM

When my daughter was a little younger, I introduced she and her sister to a very nice guy I was seeing. We had a great seafood celebration for something or other and he was invited. The two of them were very welcoming and then happily chatted away about every cringeworthy subject you could think of. I couldn't believe it, it was so funny. They wanted to see 'if he was a boring old fart' and whether 'he had a sense of humour' and 'how he was going to react with teenagers'. Poor bloke passed with flying colours thankfully and he laughed as well. I did tell him later, that it was a test. They still laugh about that night even now.

Posted by: iaminperth at September 19, 2009 8:17 PM

how many of you were single parents from birth???
and how many were actually in a relationship when your kids where little?

Me, i have two girls aged 6 and 2.

FG

Posted by: feelgood76 at September 19, 2009 7:58 PM

So heres a question how many of you were single parents from birth? and how many were actualy in a relationship when your kids where little? Basicly as a single parent from word go and not getting the alone time or date time it isnt easy i mean yeah there are ways around and i found ways of getting around that and i mean its not easy and im not saying that it is i was one of four kids who had to play happy family when my mum had a different male come through. personaly when ever i have met a guy i say straight out i dont want a replacement dad for my son and i dont expect it and guys are genrally happy with that. but in saying that being a single parent you are not seen in a good light as other singles are and its sad so i usualy make it a rule to try and not inrtoduse my son untl a couple of weeks down the track and i simply say this is my freind and leave it at that kids as a general rule dont need complicated answers because they will not understand them and that will screw a kid up basicly keep it simple i never get into a relationship straight off because of my son, and whoever i am friends with understands and accepts it and then if it gets serious then all i say is that mummys friend is going to be coming round for visits and movie nights more and of course kids think thats great usually some however dont they see it as war against their mums friend or b/f or dads g/f and react badly to the situation every kid is different and will react differently in this situation no one persons theroy is right or wrong.

karla

Posted by: karla09 at September 19, 2009 6:34 PM

I'm going to take a different tack.

If i met somone i was interested in and was invited to meet her children very early on in the get to know her stage, i would be very uncomfortable.
To me it would be like being given an ultimatum here we are take it or leave it and if my kids don't like you too bad.

I really think that there has to be a period whereby two people need to get to know each other and be in a comfort zone before any kids are brought into the relationship.

Imagine from the kids point of view if they see a man one day and the next there not there. Surely they will have emotions about whether they are responsible for them not being there. I imagine that it would not be good for them if this happens more than once or twice.

I think getting to know each other and at least establishing a relationship before meeting the children is safe for everyone involved. It means there is some form of commitment to your partner which can than be transfered to their children in time.

Posted by: stoprighthere at September 19, 2009 2:57 PM

I have only introduced my son to two of my dates in the last 9 years; he is now 11 and understands the concept of bf/gf, as his mother had a few before she got married. The decision for him to meet the women in my life, or not, has never really been a conscious one for me as I treat it the same way I would anyone in my life. As for timing in a relationship I don't think there is a right or wrong time. I think if they know you have kids and still want to be with you then timing is not an issue, the kids are. If I am comfortable enough to invite them into my house then I am comfortable enough for them to meet my son. This does not mean however that I introduce them as a girlfriend, the first few meets they are as a friend only and I won't have them stay the night until I have judged his level of comfort around them.

On the two occasions I did let my son know that these women were my girlfriends (at different times of course), I was cautious and watchful of his reaction and to his interaction with them during their next few visits. Unfortunately, one left not long after the intro due to the fact that she wanted to be around a lot more too soon and tried getting my son to convince me that he wanted her around more.
This one incident however has not altered the way I do things, however I have discussed this with a few female friends and understand and accept that it differs quite considerably for women. My suggestion is, we are all different and every relationship either settles or disintegrates at a different rate. The only thing we have is our wits and our instincts, if at any time something just does not feel right, then it probably isn't. And if they continuously raise the topic of meeting your kids then you should seriously be looking at the situation and asking why.

Posted by: rxdriver at September 12, 2009 5:12 PM

Come on... ya know ya'll got heaps ta say 'ere!

Posted by: karen59 at September 12, 2009 5:04 PM

Riveting topic really!

Posted by: karen59 at September 9, 2009 7:11 PM

I rekon when its time then its time. Its a feeling that you know when its right.

Posted by: unknownauthor at September 3, 2009 11:51 PM

I wouldnt introduce my daughter to anyone unless i was really serious bout our relationship which would atleast a yr/18 mnths.

Posted by: paulmc1 at September 3, 2009 7:26 AM

When should a date meet the kids..??
I asked this question to my father, he said after the engagement party ! bbut he said I need to ask a second opinion to the oldest head of the family..! my Grandfather ?
well, well...I'll asked my grandfather, when should be appropriate time to my date to meet the kids?.. he said when kids are old enough to give their blessing !! ..ohhh makes sense ! lol

Posted by: kicknpick at September 2, 2009 12:29 AM

ha Karen!! yep - they should be made of tuffer stuff then eh:)

Posted by: russianballerina at September 1, 2009 9:57 PM

Nah..! Throw 'em in at the deep end and make the B**gers swim!

Posted by: karen59 at September 1, 2009 9:12 PM

oh - such good words here.
yes - I have a sister who parades men through her life to her now teenage sons. and weeps and wails when it goes belly up. I worry about those kids.
Kids just need and want their parents to be happy and stable, for their own stability and security, and they can too often be put in a position of having to comfort a parent with a broken heart. too hard, too much responsibility - who's supposed to be the nurturer? and too many loyalty issues I think, in relation to their other parent.

and no Jen - ha - no parade here either!!!!
never was and never will be :)

Posted by: russianballerina at September 1, 2009 8:12 PM

I was one of the kids who had to put up with mum parading men through the house....what was worse was: my stepdad had just died, I loved this man like my 'real' father. To have men in the house felt disrespectful not only to my dad, but also to us kids-who were mourning him.
Fast forward to now. I'm a single parent and I date. For the first few years after the breakup I didn't date-as I didn't think my kids could cope with it-and at the end of the day their emotional well-being is of the utmost importance. As they matured I started dating, and letting them know that i was dating....if I meet someone who was is cut above the rest, someone who I am seeing regularly-THEN I let them know that I have met someone AND that somewhere down the track-all going well-they may meet said man, my rule of thumb is 3 months....I separated in late 2001 and my kids have only met 2 of my beaus....one was an ex (who didn't make the grade for meeting the boys, whilst we were dating) and one was a current. My boys got the choice of meeting them. I chose the family home, as that is where my sons feel most relaxed AND it gives them the option of leaving the room if they feel uncomfortable.
I have also made sure that when the relationship breaks ups or down or whatever it does, that I handle myself 'responsibly', I let the boys know that the relationship has ended, giving a brief explanantion, I don't cry or get too emotional (infront of them), they of course are aware that I'm sad, angry or whatever, but they know they don't have to walk on eggshells around me. As much as possible I don't let any relationship interfere with our family life, home to me is haven, and I want it to be the same for my sons. I also hope that the example that I am setting, helps them to 'choose' emotionally stable women in their future.

Posted by: whatuc09 at September 1, 2009 8:22 AM

My now 12 year old daughter had a tough time when I first started dating again. I think she struggled with the fact that there was someone else around that might take some of my focus away from her and her brother. Until then and with nothing or no one to take up my time, I had been there solely for the kids. I am very glad I spent the time focused on them as the way they have developed over the last few years has been great to see. I probably didn't handle that situation was well as I could have but I know I learnt a lesson from that.

I agree that keeping the kids out of the picture is the right thing to do. Surferboy said that he had partner time and kid time and this is what I would strive for too. However, I also think it is important that the kids know I am seeing a lady. One thing that seems to have worked well enough for me is to introduce the lady to the kids once I feel there is potential for a long term relationship but I will only introduce the lady as a friend. Once the introduction is made and the lady can see how I am with my kids etc I will revert back to the partner time/kid time thing most of the time. I want my kids to feel that they have my full attention when I am with them but I also want them to know that I am spending time with someone else when I'm not with them. I don't want it to come as a complete surprise if I were to introduce someone 6 months into a relationship.

And all I can say is that having kids in the mix sure makes things a lot harder in dating game.

Posted by: icycle67 at August 31, 2009 10:31 PM

I think this would be one of the hardest things to do and really interested to hear responses. I have never had to do this with young ones but have heard some amazing stories from teenagers who have done terrible things to their parents partners. Mostly they don't know why, but they have great fun trying to wreck new relationships just for fun.

Posted by: iaminperth at August 31, 2009 8:48 PM

A continual parade of partners Russian ?? Not that much happening for me at the moment - you must be having a better time here than me !! Just kidding :)))

You are right, it is all about respect for your kids, even if they are young adults as mine are, and self respect, and keeping home as a safe and secure place, without them being confronted by a stream of strangers.

Posted by: jenjen57 at August 31, 2009 7:42 PM

I agree surfer , things would have to be getting serious before getting the kids involved and the reasons you touched on are the important ones.
Stability is what the kids really need for a couple of years when thier world has been torn in two after the breakup of thier parents, just like us they have thier own issues to deal with and they have to come to terms with a new reality.

From a mans point of view and as a guy who is finding himself in this situation i would expect a lady to put her kids first every time. I would happily come last on the list of priorities, that's how it should be and the alarm bells would be ringing for me if it wasn't so.

Neutral ground is the way to go - bbq's at the beachfront , macca's, movies are a good start till things get a bit comfortable. Fit in as a guest to thier family unit and let thier dynamic be the rule, it gives thier kids a bit of space to get to know you without feeling like they "have" to.
Be sensitive and show some respect for thier home , its thier place of security so barging in like conan the barbarian won't earn any brownie points.

Keep in mind that even while at the early stages its only dating, if things go well and start to get serious your going to have to forge a relationship with these young people.
Your never going to be able to be thier dad or mum so your going to have to earn thier trust and respect over time.

Posted by: mingle48 at August 31, 2009 7:01 PM

hi - I don't think that's overly protective - I think that's how it should be. How much insecurity would a continual parade of partners create in a child?
Our kids are with us for such a short time, and they have to have priority, and grow up with stability and the belief that their parent has self-respect and respect for the kids as well.

Posted by: russianballerina at August 31, 2009 5:49 PM

Lets see would I introduce a person to my kids, probably not until it was really serious. My kids went through a lot when their Mum and I broke up, we remain very close and see each other daily to talk about the kids and what we are up to so we are fully informed, so when the kids try to pull a fast one we know the story already. Anyway the kids would go through multiple breakups if they were introduced to a new partner too early. Have seen this happen so that just when the kids are getting used to someone being around the relationship breaks down adn the kids have to go through it again. My rule is that my time is my time and I spend that with my partner but the kids and i have our time to and that is my time with them. In the future, once again if things were really serious and we talked about marriage then its probably the time to introduce them all around. Call me protective if you like but my kids are the centre of my life and I wont let anything hurt them.

Posted by: surferboy42 at August 31, 2009 5:20 PM

This is a kewl topic in fact.

My ex-partner introduced me to her two boys (aged 10 & 15 at the time) after I'd met her at her place (she'd arranged to be alone for our first meeting so we could talk with each other), talked over the phone and 'Net, and several e-mails. In fact, it was on our first date out that she had pretty much the whole family over for a Saturday arvo BBQ, and by the time I rocked around, several protective male members of said family, including her father, were well past their preserved pickle date of expiry!!

But it was all good - great family, her two boys were / are fantastic kids who I will always care for very deeply, and I did a bit of research with their Mom before I came over, and got them some movies & games etc to enjoy, so from that moment on, it was a really nice relationship I had with the kids - did not try to be their Dad, but someone they knew they could trust & rely on, and kid around with.

A lot of guys can have problems with kids in a relationship, especially if they are used to being the centre of attention or are unwilling to share attention. I can tell you that both my ex-partner & I derived a lot of joy seeing them grow up & develop their personalities etc in the interceding two years, and I am sure it made us all stronger during the relationship, than being without the kids! :-)

myst xox

Posted by: mystril at August 31, 2009 11:18 AM

I think this is a personal choice and everyone is different, personally no man meets my children until we are in a fully established and committed relationship. Afterall he's dating me, not them and I dont' want my gorgeous kids having people come in and out of their lives.

But then again I'm a pretty protective mum.

I guess some people are looking for 'surrogate parent's for their kids, while I'm looking for a partner for myself.

That's my two cents worth.... keep the change xo

Posted by: maybeperfect4u at August 31, 2009 10:48 AM