RSVP Blog
Passing the Buck
Many of us have been in relationships that end up really getting you down and stealing your zeal. Many of us choose to find the other person guilty when it all falls apart. Here is an opportunity for what could be a cathartic and educational discussion to recognize your own blunders in relationships. Why do you feel your partner disconnected with you? Why did you disconnect with them?
Ever had a hard time remembering why you chose to be with that person in the first place? Have you ever really identified where and when the cracks in the union started to form? Are you quick to pass the blame-buck and take zero responsibility for a failed relationship? Or do you eat a little humble pie and admit where you went wrong?
Posted by September 3, 2008 4:45 PM
Latest Comments
timewarp1 - Please tell me where this is being held? I'd love to come if it's in Brisbane? Thanks very much for your kind words.
iaminperth - ok I'm going to put that in my profile! Need bighugs! Although I had/have "must be romantic" and that didn't seem to have any effect...
Posted by: sunrizesiesta at September 22, 2008 1:14 PM
Perth at 9.58am: Yes.You are so right. Get in the left brain and fearleesly make the list, and then do what it says.
When I was looking at suicide in 1999 because my life was so bad, my daughter got me to make the list, and here I am.....
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 22, 2008 12:50 PM
Of course it makes sense Sunrize, of course, we all like hugs and affection and being valued and wanted by another human being. At the same time though we are not going to compromise our own values and lifestyle for the sake of them. As hard as it seems at the time, the hugs are not going to overtake the reality of the situation in this case as you were obviously not happy with the way you were treated at other times. It was a hiccup, an enjoyable one at times, but not a continuing one this time. Hug your kids, chat and laugh with them, betcha they knew this guy wasn't for you and you will meet someone else with better and bigger hugs for you. You see, get this one, all of him out of your life, out of your mind and make space for the right one to come into your life or maybe go out and look for him. If you like big hugs, tell him you want big hugs, not negotiable and have a laugh ! Pre-requisitive of any relationship Superbighugs, that's part of who you are...don't hide it.
Posted by: iaminperth at September 22, 2008 12:45 PM
Sunrize - come meet us in person at the RSVP Pig this Saturday night. Please! Because you're an example to us all.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 22, 2008 12:24 PM
iaminperth - Yes I get what you're saying. I guess for a little while I felt like a teenager again and whilst I didn't forget my children, I was enjoying the feelings of having someone to hug me, etc... (that wasn't one of my children). Does that make sense?
Posted by: sunrizesiesta at September 22, 2008 11:22 AM
Hi sunrize, Always remember that you never lost your old life, you just changed direction a little. I think it is always so important in any relationship to have a very solid foundation to start with. There are some things in life that at negotiable and some that are not. Family is one of them so far as I am concerned. They are things for me that are a constant and partner or no partner, my relationship will remain the same with them. I would expect no different from his side either. A partner would need to add to my life as I would hope that I would to his, if that is not the outcome I would see absolutely no need to pursue it any further. My standards are pretty high I suppose but that's who I am and I am not about to compromise. p.s. family also includes the furry companions as well.
Posted by: iaminperth at September 22, 2008 10:59 AM
istj54 - yes well counselling helped me to realise that I deserved better. But yes I let all my walls down, and I had many, I didn't think I needed to protect myself from him, how wrong was I?? All he's done is made it harder for anyone else who may come along in the future if that makes sense? Truly I feel sorry for his 14 year old - the forgotten one, his 4 year old got it all. Let's just say he was a good actor for 4 months, then the last 2 months showed his true colours. I was left with deja vu from my first marriage - not a good sign!! Warning bells were sounding for the last 2 months. As I've said counselling helped me see the light...
Posted by: sunrizesiesta at September 22, 2008 10:54 AM
jenniferhi at 8:30 AM: My ueber-guru is Dr John F Demartini. Couldn't afford his recent weekend course for thousands of smackeroos, but went to the evening tout for it, and bought 5 of his books. Mind-exploding, and reading them has put me on the right path at last.
His central message is to be less emotional about 'fate'.
Stop leading with your emotional right brain, every time something noticeably bad (or good) has happened. Or is threatening to. Use your evaluating, maze-solving left brain instead.
Because everything we see as a tragedy for us also includes on the other hand, some wonderful learnings - ones that could improve our future life, if we will only let ourselves learn the particular lesson which that particular tragedy is offering us.
He also teaches that unrealistic bliss (and he calls all total bliss unrealistic) is equally dangerous, because we don't notice its hidden downside, and so are at risk of coming a gutser at any moment.
This was especially relevant on the blogs last week.
Players' targets beware, because it's bliss-kisses for the moment, but .....
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 22, 2008 10:50 AM
Posted by: glitteringblue at September 22, 2008 7:47 AM
totally agree!
Posted by: kisskat at September 22, 2008 10:40 AM
Dear iaminperth - thanks for your kind words. It is definitely his loss, I have regained my life back. I don't think he will find anybody soon that will take on his crap, and his 4 year old!!
glitteringblue - why thank you! =)
willow29 - thanks hon. =)
Onwards and upwards I say!!
Posted by: sunrizesiesta at September 22, 2008 10:39 AM
Sunrize...it takes real courage to give something up because it is not right for us and then going it alone again...after waiting ten years you probably went through a lot of soul-searching and angst to come to that conclusion and you are so brave to take action...but I bet it still hurts...or irks.
Posted by: istj54 at September 22, 2008 10:37 AM
Sunrize - You go girl! I can hear you roaring from here :)
Posted by: willow29 at September 22, 2008 10:10 AM
God I love you Sunrize!!!
Posted by: glitteringblue at September 22, 2008 10:04 AM
Good on you Sunrize. You worked things out and took action. I guess it takes courage but there's a bit of logic there as well. Nothing worse than being lonely with someone else especially if you have children in your life. I was in a relationship a while ago that I called off. After a few months I was always the one suggesting we go out somewhere, see a movie whatever. I am also working full time but the cooking and cleaning seemed to be falling back 100% on me unless I asked. I was back doing all the house maintenance and looking after the pool. So, one day I wrote a list of the pos and the neg. My neg list was far longer than the positive list so that was it. Back to walking the dog on my own, which I had to do while he was there anyway. I agree it does take 2 to tango and rather than get really annoyed with the situation I decided to end it. Do I wish to remain friends with him.....no...really no point. I hope he find who he is looking for but I doubt it because he doesn't present himself as who he really is.
Posted by: iaminperth at September 22, 2008 9:58 AM
Jen @ 8:30 PM
" . . .so often we sit in a fear of it all happening again. . . . .And the only way to move away from it is to take risks, have a go . . ."
Jen ~ I am SO loving you today. xo
Posted by: glitteringblue at September 22, 2008 9:57 AM
Ok here's my 2 cents on this one. Having plucked up the courage to break up with my 6 month romance from RSVP, it does give you the power back. Why things went wrong? Only he knows that one yet he refuses to accept or even acknowledge that one. Am I hurting? Well that's an obvious question, although I feel much better now that I know where things stand. Being left in the corner until your partner wants you is not how I intend to live my life. It takes 2 to tango, yes it does, but it gets hard dancing by yourself and being single when you are actually in a relationship. What did I learn? I deserve to be treated with respect and courtesy, I have 3 children who love me dearly, I do not need a man to make me happy. I can do it all by myself, as I had for the 10 years previous to meeting him. I am woman hear me roarrr!!!
Posted by: sunrizesiesta at September 22, 2008 9:28 AM
Glitter ~ 7.47am. Spot on! The 'letting go' is the hard part though, so often we sit in a fear of it all happening again. You are right though once we learn all this it does get easier as we move on in our lives.
"If nothing changes - nothing changes."
If we don't want the same old/same old we have to do different to receive different.
Ok, I know I'm into my quotes again. I do collect them, and try to live by heaps of them. They keep me focussed on my goals and dreams.
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got."
How true is that? We know it is true. And the only way to move away from it is to take risks, have a go. So what if there are knockbacks. You just have to at least have a try. Don't be afraid of knockbacks, disappointments. It's all pushing you further on the journey. Expanding you.
Have a great week everyone!
Jen
Posted by: jenniferhi at September 22, 2008 8:30 AM
Kalli, My two cents worth. Do research on the company prior to walking in. Know what they are about, any changes they are trying to make, their achievements in the past. 'know' the company prior to walking in. You will feel more comfortable and it will show. Lots of luck!
Posted by: iaminperth at September 22, 2008 8:16 AM
AuntyK @ 9:05 PM, 21st
(Outdated Dating Blog) ~
". .. .who simply will not take responsibility for things going sour......, arrogantly expecting their behaviour to be accepted .. .. .Some people just will not take blame, or . . . . deflect their shortcomings onto others....K"
This is a difficult one to deal with and I have been on both sides of that "trip". The only way to attain, regain, maintain personal power is to take responsibility for not only your actions, but your feelings as well. It is a life-long challenge . . . but the personal rewards are truly amazing. When the other person does not take responsibility, we can do only one thing . . . .accept and make the choices that we do have power over.
But the most powerful choice that I have learnt in my very short 36 years is how much incredible power there is in just "letting go", the more you do it, the better you get at it. This doesn't mean that you will care about nothing or will become detached from your feelings and emotions, you just get better at "rising above" things and not "hooking in" to dramas so easily. It's almost an art that can be fined tuned as far/much as you want.
The other thing I have learnt is: yes I have these choices, but if I always do what I�ve always done (same choices), I will always get what I�ve always gotten � so I figured, If I am the one making the choices, then I can choose something different and therefore get different results and WOW, that is powerful when you start observing those positive changes. I know you all know this stuff - I think this is just a part of growing up and maturing emotionally (although, some people never do it and continue to give their power away [in the blame game] and remain victims - NUP, not for this little vegemite!!
Kallio-mou ~ welcome back. I will be sending you all my "good vibes" down there to Tassie and I am sure you will get this job!!! Don't forget to smile and not look scared. Good luck!
Gee, it seems I had to have a say this morning . . . thanks for being patient everyone.
Have a great day.
XO Glitter
Posted by: glitteringblue at September 22, 2008 7:47 AM
TW....that's the best advice you've ever given...and Kaz the people who never take any blame or responsibility come unstuck when they face the same problems again...but probably run again.
Posted by: istj54 at September 22, 2008 6:48 AM
Amber at 9.07pm: If you don't find him this year, you're still young. Look again next year. Don't sweat the small stuff.
But do concentrate on getting all your garden established before the main growing season. One thing at a time, done well.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 22, 2008 1:28 AM
Thanks ISTJ,
I'm not actually taking my profile down just my photo, while I am so busy trying to get my garden done before summer arrives.
My daughter and I cemented in the sleepers for the retaining wall today. Doesn't look too bad for beginners, at least they APPEAR straight!
Yes I know I should probably just "take the plunge".
I was emailing someone for a couple of weeks and would have been interested in meeting in another couple of weeks, but he recently made his profile inactive suddenly.
I also plucked up the courage to send a kiss and then sent an email when invited, but there was no response.
I have kissed two or three others, the response has been very polite and kind but not interested.
I do say on my profile I am not the "whirlwind romance" type but would be interested in friendship first, so it's not like they don't know I am, as Marcus so kindly describes it "a reconstituted virgin"!
So I will leave my profile up for another few weeks and re-think things when I am not so occupied. To be honest, I have no time for dating (or even blogging) at the moment.
It's not like I exactly have to "fight 'em off" anyway!
I'm not giving up, just laying low for a while.
Posted by: amberlight58 at September 21, 2008 9:07 PM
What of the husband or wife who simply will not take responsibility for things going sour......When they clearly have done the wrong thing, arrogantly expecting their behaviour to be accepted???
Some people just will not take blame, or at the very least deflect their shortcomings onto others.................K
Posted by: auntykaz at September 21, 2008 9:05 PM
...amberlight we all want to blame someone, or something, when it just happens or we are the one trying to get out of something. It just makes it easier...but it's later that you need to have a good look and make sure that you know where you...not you personally...were at fault or next time you will get stuck at the same old place in the relationship and end it again.
Also, amber, I think that you need to keep your profile up and just take the plunge and go meet someone. It is not that hard. I was very nervous the firsat time but now think about it like going to a work function where you meet other women's partners...not hard at all...but you've got to take the plunge...get yor toes wet.
Posted by: istj54 at September 21, 2008 9:00 AM
Deepbluepc,
If it's done without thinking, maybe. But if A wants to keep the house, kids and everyone's sympathy?
I suggest there are people who decide they are not going to be the one to leave their home comforts once a relationship is all but over, so they make life so "hellish" for the other person they have no choice but to leave.
Works well for them, at least in the short-term anyway!
Posted by: amberlight58 at September 19, 2008 12:19 PM
Somebody coined the term "Underdog manipulative" for it. The book was "overdog and underdog" - forget the author.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 19, 2008 12:11 PM
TW & H2H,
So true and then the person who leaves is seen as the "bad guy" by everyone and person A is seen as the "poor" "victim" who gets everyone's sympathy!
Works well for A, if they're wanting to keep friends, family and acquaintances "on side". Bit rough on B though!
Posted by: amberlight58 at September 19, 2008 10:08 AM
Oh my gosh....that scenario sounds strangely familiar!
Months, years of derogatory mumblings whilst they passed by......
they won didn't they and got to pass the blame buck!
Posted by: aquamanda56 at September 18, 2008 10:01 PM
H2H at 6.51 and me at 5.35: Swift!!
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 18, 2008 9:39 PM
I see your point timewarp, in a way I guess it is buck passing in an emotional way, but it is done without thinking.
Sometimes it is an auto response to avoid being the one to assume the responsibility or to actual confront someone and say those dreaded words, maybe a gutless act in a way, used by many of both sexes.
Posted by: deepbluepc at September 18, 2008 9:15 PM
Posted by: deepbluepc at September 18, 2008 3:20 PM - Good point. And quite often the buck gets passed as to who leaves who. I wonder how common it is that one partner doesn't want to be the one to break if off, but sets the scenarios that makes the other one leave, thus avoiding being the one who 'broke up' ?
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 18, 2008 6:51 PM
Posted by: deepbluepc at September 18, 2008 3:20 PM ...nice words x
Posted by: kazziwazziwoo at September 18, 2008 6:18 PM
deepbluepc at 3:20 PM: I disagree. If A wants out, but just becomes unpleasant so that B will do the getting out, I reckon A is passing the buck from the start.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 18, 2008 5:35 PM
Not so much buck passing when a relationship goes sour.
More a lack of communicating or unwillingness to communicate, often leads to portioning blame.
Often this is done intentionally to exit a relationship by one party so that the other party feels like leaving.
Probably little slights and the casual ungratious comment said in jest can be the catalyst for deterriation, I guess comments can be disguised as jest,but it does not stop the other person from feeling put down in the process.
Posted by: deepbluepc at September 18, 2008 3:20 PM
Posted by: musicteacher at September 17, 2008 3:25 PM - I have 22 frets and 6 stings - that should be *more* than enough range... Good enough for Jimi, good enough for me :)
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 17, 2008 8:19 PM
heartoheart:
a very difficult song to sing due to the enormous range.How about "Twinkle Twinkle" or "Baa Baa Black Sheep?"
Posted by: musicteacher at September 17, 2008 3:25 PM
H2H57: In the 'We Love Australia' Community, then the 'Forget Paris' blog - entry #137 - probably still the latest entry. Was responding at length to yours to me in there.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 17, 2008 2:10 PM
I used to work with some technicians, and guys always give each other nicknames...one was called Teflon.......and another one slick......and after a bit of time I found out why, they were appropriate names!!!!!!! Have a lovely day all...jewels
Posted by: junebaby57 at September 17, 2008 8:27 AM
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 16, 2008 10:59 AM - Now you've totally confused me. 9 Million post the last coupla days.. and it's easy to lose track. LoL. Just spit it and I'll go search for it, and hopefully reply to the right post in the right place. K?
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 17, 2008 2:03 AM
H2H57 at 2.30am: Message for you there. Had had a senior moment in my just-previous post and they'd helpfully canned that when they saw the second.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 16, 2008 10:59 AM
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 15, 2008 10:58 PM - Sorry... you've lost me on that one (?)
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 16, 2008 2:30 AM
Thank you - I'll have a look tomorrow for the arnica. Im going to venture into the real world again.
Posted by: willow29 at September 15, 2008 11:37 PM
H2H57: Silly me - it's actually in 'Forget Paris'
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 15, 2008 10:58 PM
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 15, 2008 10:31 AM - Yep - "Arnica"... and it stinks like mad!
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 15, 2008 9:12 PM
Posted by: musicteacher at September 15, 2008 8:54 AM - Ok, what about if I crank the Marshall all the way to a filling-rattling '11' and rip into 'The Star Spangled Banner' instead...? :)
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 15, 2008 9:08 PM
morning Willow - how are the bruises today? If you are like me I am usually worse the third day than the second. There is a herbal creme that you can rub in for the bruising which does help and would if I could remember the name lol I think that its arnica or something like that.
Hope its all getting better anyway.
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 15, 2008 10:31 AM
Heartoheart: Well,I don't believe there is such a thing as tone deafness........you may need a little voice training,but my ears are used to listening to 30 plus descant recorders playing badly without me grimacing(torturous as it was) but that was part of the job(how on earth did I do that?).
I must say though,that i find some speaking voices intolerable.....eg.the whining sound of an "Ocker" accent coming out of a woman.
OK you can sing it again(but just hang on whist I put some plugs in my ears).
Posted by: musicteacher at September 15, 2008 8:54 AM
marylulu at September 14, 2008 12:46 PM : "I don't think all relationships are destined to be forever."
I agree. And to be realistic, forever is an elastic term. Two hundred years ago, you were very lucky not to be widowed inside 25 years.
I reckon the problem for our generation is that most of us married about 4 years after we finished school or uni, ie. 18-24, and by now have lived 40 or 50 years past that already.
Forever just got 2 or 3 times further away, and that's a long time to stay on your best behaviour.
Not so bad for our kids, waiting till their mid-30s before thinking of pairing off for real. They'll be a lot older before they have their silver wedding celebration and then have to think 'What's next - if anything."
Posted by:
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 14, 2008 8:11 PM
Posted by: musicteacher at September 14, 2008 10:49 AM - But... but... I did it in my bestest voice.. .honest I did.. :)
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 14, 2008 6:07 PM
Unknownauthor - Pay it forward is SUCH a beautiful movie ...
and ..
My discovery (learning) however, is that it is not just about the meeting but rather about being on the same page at the time and subsequent opportunities. I think it is almost a 'miracle' to find that partner who would be on the same page as you.
Posted by: annabelle1962 at September 13, 2008 10:50 PM
Hello annabelle yes I think we must believe in miracles. It's like a dare I think for me? Act as if I believe before I do ..
I was married for 35 years ...25 of those we were in a loving relationship ...I don't look back on that as a failure at all. That we can still smile and nod in the street, attend our children's events or help them move and bump into each other without trauma is also a blessing.
I don't spend much time anymore wondering where it all went wrong. I don't think all relationships are destined to be forever.
Posted by: marylulu at September 14, 2008 12:46 PM
Heart2Heart:
Ok.I get the point....please stop singing...just joking........maybe in another key!!
Posted by: musicteacher at September 14, 2008 10:49 AM
Hi annabelle,
I couldn't agree more with your post. You put it beautifully.
Nothing wrong with being a "softie" unknownauthor. It shows you have a heart.
Posted by: amberlight58 at September 14, 2008 10:15 AM
Unknownauthor ~ "Pay It Forward" is such a wonderful movie, and when you live your life like that you can be truly blessed.
Jen
Posted by: jenniferhi at September 14, 2008 9:31 AM
passing the buck...........................how nice it would be after watching the movie.....pay i forward last night.
Now thats what I call passing a buck that worth something. .
Even cried at the end. Shit I am such a sook and a softie.
OBD I hope you can see the sense in this and understand the message.
Cheers
Posted by: unknownauthor at September 14, 2008 12:04 AM
Thank you for the heart felt comments and disclosures.
I find the whole scene of dating / meeting a tag challenging. I think as we get older it has somehow become harder (for me) to engage in that sense of discovery. Yet I know that I have enjoyed those moments, but not as easily as I did in my twenties. I do take solace in the fact that men and women are going through similar challenges ... we just don't talk about it as much. It is a pity indeed as it would break the isolation that we experience in the search for a long-term partner. Why is it that it is easier to talk to a stranger in a shopping centre than to think of meeting an unknown person that we have connected through the web?
I thought that talking enough before meeting would make a difference and at some levels it did. My discovery (learning) however, is that it is not just about the meeting but rather about being on the same page at the time and subsequent opportunities. I think it is almost a 'miracle' to find that partner who would be on the same page as you. Relationships require levels of mutual compromising of what each wants and not settling/accepting the other person for the wrong reasons eg. break the loneliness of being alone. Rather it requires that we know what it is exactly we are willing to compromise and not - at the end of the day it is ok if you are ok with it. The other will similarly be in a better space by you knowing what it is that you want.
Having been on my own for a long time (by choice), I have had plenty of time to think about what it is I want for me and what I want in a man. Unfortunately, it is not easy to find a partner - full stop. The life styles that we lead are so busy and caught up in responsibilities entrenched in survival that there are few opportunities to meet new people. I also think that this has something to do with the age we are in (I am in my 40's) and new group of friends are not as important as they once were - I treasure the friends I have made in my life time, but these don't afford the opportunity to establish intimate relationships necessarily.
Posted by: annabelle1962 at September 13, 2008 10:50 PM
Posted by: amourmoi08 at September 12, 2008 8:55 AM - Ah... yes... a Brian Adams classic...
~*Please forgive me... I know not what I do...*~
~*Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin you...*~
~*Don't deny me - this pain I'm going through...*~
~*Please fogive me - I need you like I do...*~
~*Please forgive me - every word I say is true...*~
~*Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin you*~
(sang in the key of Eb not-so-blunt... LoL)
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 12, 2008 9:48 PM
Posted by: glitteringblue at September 12, 2008 8:07 AM - No - just being dumb. It's something that a muso once said to me when someone was playing horribly out of key, and it seemed so appropriate at the time. I've never forgotten it... LoL.
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 12, 2008 9:41 PM
ps can some one spell check my bits before I hit the send button...lol,,,he, he lucky I am my biggest fan hey!!xxx
Posted by: amourmoi08 at September 12, 2008 9:37 AM
sometimes the music being played is being played for the one that it was written for ....
.....and hence may not be readable to all....
Given that I can play and sing I have never learnt to write or read music...
I love MT and ERAL and I saw the music on the pages as a
""""please forgive, I know not what I do""""
hope this heps your technical abilities Mr H2h xx
Posted by: amourmoi08 at September 12, 2008 8:55 AM
heartoheart...........
Eb blunt? I don't get it...but I have only had one coffee so I am half asleep.
Anyway,the piano has been restrung and needs a lot of playing before another tune..........so I will be spending more time practising/playing.
3 hours at least,including an hour of technical work to loosen up my little fingers.
Schubert Impromptu No. 4....
Have a musical morning all............
R
Posted by: musicteacher at September 12, 2008 8:40 AM
H2H - are you showing off . . .? : )
Posted by: glitteringblue at September 12, 2008 8:07 AM
MT - I think the Eb after the 12th G should have been an Eb blunt...(?)
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 12, 2008 12:19 AM
I am happy now!
Posted by: musicteacher at September 11, 2008 7:40 PM
awww thats really nice of you ERAL. I am really impressed with both of you. MT hope his wink and words make you feel a bit better.
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 11, 2008 4:52 PM
Schubert's "Impromptus"?
*wink*
yes I think we are both guilty of saying things without thinking... so mm mm mm times.
x
Posted by: eatsrootsandleaves at September 11, 2008 4:18 PM
Oh dear.....there goes my graphic notation......
OK..let's try this:
3/4 Time, all crotchets(not chords)...........+ denotes note above, - note below..........
Eb +Ab -G/ -F +Db -Bb/ Bb -Ab Ab/ Ab -G G/ Eb +Ab -G/ -F +F -Db/ Db -C C/C -Bb Bb
Posted by: musicteacher at September 11, 2008 11:27 AM
mm
mm,mm
mm,mm,mm
mm
mm
mm
mm
mm
Eral........I hope this 4 bar phrase be Schubert,softens your heart.I am not trying to be a smarty pants......
(RSVP....please leave my graphic notation as it is......thanks).
Posted by: musicteacher at September 11, 2008 10:52 AM
amoiro........I don't think Eral and I will be going to any corner again.........we have come to a giant IMPASSE!
I booked a room at the OAKS.......did you see my post Amoiro....under your name and mine.
anyway,bed time for me........
Posted by: musicteacher at September 10, 2008 9:21 PM
Eral and Mustic teacher get back to the naughty corner at once and use your big words,,,,,,,, then do the wicked stuff that I adore about you bothxxxxxxxxxxxxx
PS Eral we are still waiting for the ice bucket to come back.......you are minus ten stars for not returning it from your last visit there on your own with the lipsitck....tassie dude please paint MT nails and outback please dispense all drinks ASAP STAT CODE BLUE> RSVP OUT xxxxxxxxxx
Posted by: amourmoi08 at September 10, 2008 8:41 PM
Eral.........I am sorry,
and I am sorry that you are unable to see my point as a female.........that you are right and have all the answers,and i have nothing to offer.
My respect for you as a friend(?) stops me from giving you a gobful....ashame you cannot do the same.
Good Night
Posted by: musicteacher at September 9, 2008 9:37 PM
Hi thelynathdiary,
thanks for the kind words. After many sessions with a therapist and talking to my children and her best friend I found that I was not to blame. I had been a good provider to my wife both inside and outside the bedroom and I had not neglected my ex or my children.
My ex has cut herself off from her family and long term friends so she does not have to try and justify what she has done.
I know at times I was not the greatest person to live with as I tried to come to terms with trying to balance work and home life. As a shift worker on call at times it was hard not to be called in to work and not fulfilling my ex needs and the needs of our children.
Since she has left all she has focused on about our relationship were the negatives. Yes there were negatives when money was tight and things around our home were not great or when our schedules meant we did not get time together.
We had many good times and they outweigh the bad many fold but not in her eyes. I am sad for her but until she gets a reality check and this may never happen, she may never realise how good it was and what she has lost and can never regain.
Now as for abortion as it seems to have been a subject that has been talked about at length I can only say that the pain and guilt that must be felt by both or either person involved is something that I don't ever think should be felt. There should be no stigma with a woman making the choice. Should women have the right to decide to have an abortion the answer has to be YES. It is not always a matter of someone not taking precautions.
My oldest grandchild was not planned and his mother was on contraceptives when he was conceived and when our daughter come to us and asked for advice we wanted her to have the child even though her and her boyfriend did not have plans for marriage at that time. So unwanted pregnancies can and do occur and for one reason or another a woman must have the right to decide as to whether to continue with the conception or terminate the pregnancy.
Posted by: patc111960 at September 9, 2008 8:16 PM
ijaist there are pages of blogs on the topic of the the email requesters who never reply and some good suggestions about what could/should be done by RSVP to prevent loss of expensive stamps.
You are not alone in being annoyed.
patc1960.. Your wife's re-writing of the history of your relationship to suddenly include her previously unmentioned"unhappiness" is text book stuff.
The person having the affair blames the partner who is not, and heaps lots of accusations and faults on to them in order to be able to justify what they have done.
The thing is for you to not just accept that everything she said was/is true, but realise people will do whatever they can to justify themselves when caught in order to alleviate responsibility and guilt for themselves.
Posted by: thelynathdiary at September 9, 2008 4:58 PM
Or is it that i passed the buck onto the puppy ? (A lovely amber pure cocker spaniel puppy - a girl.) I wonder where she is now. arggh ...
I bonded with her too by the way. Helped with my grief too.
When i heard that she was given away to a stranger...
Needless to say, our settlement wasn't pleasant either.
Posted by: eatsrootsandleaves at September 9, 2008 4:08 PM
To those who have made reference to my post.
MT - I chose the word 'blunder' to reflect the language of the moderator (Posted by Ellida September 3, 2008 4:45 PM) and nothing more. As for seeing 'it' on TV - WTF ?
I don't agree that the puppy was such bad idea, the unconditional unlimited love of a puppy is very healthy ( but thats not really the issue is it ?) especially when dealing with grief. It's called transference. It gave her something to bond with .
I made no physical demands upon her to terminate our child. But i did, i regret to say, by proxy.
My lovers reaction was unexpected.
So was mine.
We were both devastated.
AND understandably so in retrospect.
(hindsight isn't kind )
The moral of the story is what then?
That people shouldn't have long term relationships unless they plan on having a family ?
or is it -
If you get ( someone) pregnant - thats it - locked in and throw away the key ?
I'm amazed by how many children women used to have in the living past, and during times of depression. A "bakers dozen"; even two, were commonplace.
No legal abortions, no reliable contraception (other than abstinence). Welfare ? pmsl
Do we go back to those time?
What choice is that for a woman in this day and age ?
What is the difference between a woman taking the day after pill, the regular pill, a induced miscarriage etc ...
Damned if you do - damned if you don't.
To those of you who have divorced, and are struggling with your repayments, and finding new lovers are put off by taking on a ready made family - what advice would you offer to those who might read about this modern dilemma ?
Posted by: eatsrootsandleaves at September 9, 2008 3:40 PM
Someone once said to me, "Don't regret decisions you have made in the past for what were very good reasons at the time". This can apply to almost everything. Like MT i was at university, however the father was completely unsupportive and emotionally i knew i may not cope with being a sole parent hence my termination decision. At the time, i remember thinking this may be my only opportunity. Today, with no children the reasons for the termination still stand. Tomorrow, what will be will be.
Posted by: aqueousdb66 at September 9, 2008 12:40 PM
Hi all, have been at home for the past couple of days and going through the comments. watercombe your latest comment "But i also agree with music teacher ...." made me write this. i lost my second baby 12 years back. have been divorced since. eventhough so many things have happened in my life and i have an adorable son, i still wonder about the baby. would it have been a girl or a boy and how he or she would have looked like and so on. life changed suddenly after that though the reason for my divorce was completely different.
Reading all these comments brought this out. Thanks everyone. you are all fantastic and ERAL and H2H i admire your honesty.
Posted by: melrsvp at September 9, 2008 11:14 AM
WB 10.03 am couldn't agree more well stated. Good on you MT for acknowledging that you were perhaps "tactless" and I do understand your point and where you are coming from. My perception is that ERAL did that thing of "she agreed" and now she has turned on me "why"?. The puppy was dumb/ignorant?, but his dumb way of saying "sorry" but I thought that we agreed why are you punishing me for something that we agreed upon. The statement he made here was acknowledging that he was so wrong and guilty but still not quite understanding why. Hey but aint hindsight a wonderful thing!
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 9, 2008 11:07 AM
Of course men are affected, and a lot of that has to do with them having no control over whether they become a father or not...it must be a horrible thing to have that decision made for you and then have to live with the consequences. I think sometimes we forget that for men, there is that total lack of control over something that is, for some, extremely painful. Some men make better parents than their partners, and for those men this would be a tragedy.
But I also agree with musicteacher that, as bad as it is for a guy, and I don't want to diminish that, the woman suffers more. The woman has to deal with a huge sudden life change, her entire future changes in a moment, and if she has a partner who says at that exact time "I don't want to be the partner of a mother of my child" ...that is an awful blow on top of everything else. It's too much for most women to deal with. I would seriously question my relationship if a guy had ever said that to me....I can understand your partner's eventual hostility on those grounds alone, Eral.
And I agree, MT, providing a puppy was exactly the wrong thing to do...well intentioned perhaps but it would have reminded her very strongly of what she had just lost. That was salt in the wound, I imagine. It's not that difficult to see how things turned out the way they did.
Posted by: waterbombe at September 9, 2008 10:03 AM
Heartoheart: I may have been tactless,but unfortunately Eral is not here to make a response so I will apologise if that is the case.
I am sure men are affected,but i have to disagree that it would be to the same extent....my comment below tries to explain this.
Posted by: musicteacher at September 9, 2008 8:27 AM
L2L@6.55P.. Can empathise with the stillbirth. Had one myself (full term) and 5 miscarriages. My 3 babies were a godsend when born healthy and alive. Personally I couldn't do the abortion thing but I have friends who have. Both married and single. Some it affected (both parties in one marriage) but they agreed at the time it was the way to go. That couple had 2 children later but still think of the one that could have been.
It's a personal thing and no one has the right to hold it against another for making the decisions that they do. Just my take...."G"
Posted by: amdoingit at September 8, 2008 11:17 PM
ERAL re: puppy giving
I have read THAT post a few times and I get the feling you do not understand why she became hostile and broke up with you.
I don't know your x..however,I am a female,and can perhaps give you an insight.......
First of all,this whole issue is far more serious than a "blunder" and secondly,a puppy to look after shortly after this would have been a constant reminder of a baby.......puppies need a lot of work,they are vulnerable,and it may have made it worse.
No matter what you both decided in the end....as a "girl" she may have needed to hear something along the lines of "that's great that you are pregnant.....I am SO proud...etc etc
Circumstances were different for me......I was engaged and getting married in 6 months and I was at Uni in my first year......it was my decision,we had planned a family one day.Regardless........it was me with my legs in stirrips and not my fiance.It was only when I had my first child that I realised what i had done.
Personally,I don't judge you on what you did in dissuading or persuading her..........but your post does not sound like you have an understanding of her actions,but rather that you found her to be unreasonable.Then again,it may have come across that way.....either way,it is a sad story and i suppose that's why i am still thinking about it hours later.
I think this "not understanding" another's emotions causes a lot of conflict between the sexes.........one sex thinks the other simply should
/would see things the same way....and this is not always the case.
On the other hand,when people connect through similar emotional views....they may feel a connection.......some call this friendship,soulmate,boyfriend,girlfriend,lover etc........
Posted by: musicteacher at September 8, 2008 11:13 PM
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 8, 2008 10:31 PM - Well, I guess some guys do feel it, and it can be quite horrible. Planned, or not. While I realise it's the females ultimate call, because she has to carry it... guys can still be affected by it. That's all...
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 8, 2008 11:03 PM
H2H 9.49 I got the impression that MT's comment was that only the woman suffers when there is an abortion - my observations from both yours and ERAL's posts was that you were both deeply affected. I thought it was a little harsh to ask if he felt guilty etc. I think if anyone opens up with something like that they certainly don't need to be questioned in that manner. You mentioned you had been there so was just looking for a male prospective.
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 8, 2008 10:31 PM
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 8, 2008 6:55 PM - Sorry LtoL, I missed what context you mean that in...
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 8, 2008 9:49 PM
ljaist - I'm with everybody else. Just hang in there. It can be a pain at times but the bloggers are really nice people. Keep chatting and learning. It's an experience.
Regards Gordon.
Posted by: gordon1951 at September 8, 2008 9:25 PM
Well i haven't been on here for a while, but i thought i would catch up on the latest blogs.
I read with interest ljaist's blog about being stood up. It hasn't happened to me yet but i have had a rather interesting contact a while back by a lady whom was suppose to be living in Melbourne but after I quizzed her about herself and where she lived in Melbourne (general area) she said she lived in Flinders Street. This wrung alarm bells and after a few more emails and contact via yahoo messenger she disappeared off the planet.
I noticed here nickname has disappeared out of RSVP as well.
I have a short long distance (200 km away) contact that i have had for a while but we have not actually met. We speak quite often via email and phone and I expect that when the time is right we will meet.
As for passing the buck which is what I should be talking about my long time wife when she left pass the buck to me telling me that it was all my fault she was leaving and the affairs she had had was because I would not take responsibility for how my health had deteriorated and if I had looked after myself and was still the way i had been when we first started our relationship then she would have had no reason to look somewhere else for company.
My ex wife could never quite tell me when the cracks started to appear and i can't really tell either. I didn't even know she was having an affair or was unhappy with the amount of intimacy she was getting from me but somewhere in the last 10 years of our marriage she said that it all was not well, yet we continued to make love to each other right up until the week before she walked out of my life. This is probably the hardest bit to find that I was just an added extra at home.
Posted by: patc111960 at September 8, 2008 7:17 PM
Mmmm is that for us to decide or are you clouding it with your own feelings? H2H what are your thoughts here? Been affected by a stillborn at 30 weeks and that affected the entire extended family but I can't speak from experience on abortion. Just don't think you can judge from the outside - sorry.
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 8, 2008 6:55 PM
Hello (ii) @ 11.14am.. Easier said than done sweet pea... You don't really know anything about them until you make contact so a bit hard to be selective. Some of the most uninformative profiles have in fact turned out to be lovely people and others that sound oh soooo lovely have been absolute creeps.. Guess we just keep plodding on and take it all in our strides. Some of the friendships gained from the site make it all worthwhile anyway don't they???? Keep on writing !!!!! ........"G"
Posted by: amdoingit at September 8, 2008 6:14 PM
Lovestolaugh:.......he says he "dissuaded" her.......
I am sure it was far worse for the girlfriend.....
Posted by: musicteacher at September 8, 2008 5:26 PM
Wow MT 1.51pm I would have thought that the original post screamed of guilt - it was both of them that decided! Maybe I am reading this wrong - the written word can be taken the wrong way, but I thought that was a little harsh.
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 8, 2008 3:22 PM
musicteacher ~ 1.51PM. Is very brave of you too and others that have admitted this kind of thing on the site.
Jen
Posted by: jenniferhi at September 8, 2008 2:47 PM
musicteacher at 1:51 PM : "very brave of you to admit this on National RSVP.................?"
Very much braver of you, Wodna.
And what a double-whammy, to then go ahead and marry him after all that. My stomach is all scrunched up at the thought of it. Shudder!!!
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 8, 2008 2:43 PM
amdoingit at 1:21 PM: Such good advice! And Hi!
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 8, 2008 2:35 PM
Yeah thanks folks I was pissed off this morning after waiting all weekend for a reply to an email from a supposedly very interested lady . So I headed off down to Burliegh beach for a walk and clear me head .
Feel better now . :)
Posted by: ljaist at September 8, 2008 1:54 PM
OHHHHHHHH....Eral is back......
I was beginning to think that there was a problem with his fingers...RSI
Yep....I am not surprised it did not work out,yep, this type of thing happens a lot.....I have seen it on TV so it must be true.Having an abortion is a horrible experience in itself(yes,I had one a long time ago,my first husband before marriage)..........
and after having children,it is something I would never contemplate again.........if you think your x was upse
t with you,it will be worse when she does have children........
Well,glad to have you back.......people are asking me if you will be coming on the 27th.....can you let us know please?
Do you feel guilty? Do you wonder about the child you would have had?
I agree,very brave of you to admit this on National RSVP.................
Posted by: musicteacher at September 8, 2008 1:51 PM
ljaist... welcome to the wonderful world of rsvp... Happens to all of us at some stage or another.. No rhymn or reason as to why and no way of telling who will or won't. Just gotta keep ploddin on so to speak. Haven't been stood up yet but love those who ask for emails then don't respond.
Just be positive about it all...Would probably have cost you more on phone calls and to meet up for coffee or whatever so in actual fact you saved your money. That's the way to look at it and you wouldn't want to meet people like that amyway.
Take heart.. There are some nice people out there too... Good luck........."G"
Posted by: amdoingit at September 8, 2008 1:21 PM
waternymph47 at 11:25 AM: Lady Luck rewards effort. Simple as that. Mentioned how it works, at the bottom of mine to ELF in the Lucky Heart blog just then.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 8, 2008 12:55 PM
ljaist at September 8, 2008 10:48 AM
If you stick with we bloggers a while you will find it is no easy road for any of us and we all deal with being stood up and ignored at some stage. Some of us get fed up and leave... some of us hang in more to chat on the blogs, some (like our busy TW )seemingly do pretty good for themselves. Spring has sprung .. take heart.
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Posted by: waternymph47 at September 8, 2008 11:25 AM
Hi Ijaist and welcome. I have to agree that it is extremely poor form. They're not the sort of people you want to spend a date with anyway. Good luck with your search.
Posted by: willow29 at September 8, 2008 11:17 AM
Be selective with whom you spend stamps on.
It is a common thing to happen here, and speaks volumes about the people that contact you or whom you have contacted.
Perseverance is the key. There are alot of game players out there.
cheers
Posted by: unknownauthor at September 8, 2008 11:14 AM
What the hell am I doing wrong ? Ive been stood up 3 times and ignored once . The Stamps are expensive and Im out of them .Im pretty sure Im not an arsehole Im just looking for a friend with the possibillity of a relationship . Why make contact and then ignore me . anyone else out there in cyberdating land had simillar experiences ?
Posted by: ljaist at September 8, 2008 10:48 AM
ERAL: not only are you a total an utter spunk rat but you also have the decency and honesty that sadly lacks in most human beings.. I take my hat of to you for sharing xxx
This does happen every day in the real world and whether it is wrong right or indifferent is it personal choice, bad experience, unconsential sex etc.
It is for no one to judge but for all to discuss just as we have done here today.
Please forgive my ignorance but did some one explain the difference in with the F word............. forum and posting bloggs???
Sorry I may have missed it but would be interested to know if there is a difference at all???????
Cheers big ears xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by: amourmoi08 at September 8, 2008 12:01 AM
pmsl Softfeather! What a disappointment - but lets face it, sometimes privacy in the bath is even better than company!
Posted by: willow29 at September 7, 2008 10:18 PM
Willow: Sorry about all the curled pages on the book but I get soo excited reading them cause they take my mind off real life... :) One last funny story before I get to put on my corp hat for the week...this one might make you pmsl... Setting: Romantic get away with MOTH... rented a house by the ocean... 2 storey... big fire in the lounge... packed all the goddies... told him it was a surprise... arrived friday evening.. he was gob smacked by it all... had stars in his eyes... So off I trot upstairs & fill up the biggest spa ya ever seen... light the candles, pour in the bubbles, open the blinds soo the ocean is in view, open the champers, off with the gear & call out "honey come here"... There's me lying in all these carefully arranged bubbles, big toe perched on the end of the tub, big smile on my face... just as he steps in the door my toe slips & I go under. I come up spluttering looking like a downed rat & all the bubbles misplaced. He takes one look & says.... "Babe have ya checked out the bloodly big screen on the mother downstairs... the footy's on tonight."..... strange bewildered look sets in then "ohhh sorry what did ya want."..:)))) silly me, the sparkle in his eyes were for the mother downstairs !!!!..... X X X
Posted by: softfeather at September 7, 2008 8:42 PM
Softfeather - its quite a big one - Ive been in it for over an hour - good book, (ok, trashy book), glass of red, LOTS of bubbles!! ahhhhhh :)
Posted by: willow29 at September 7, 2008 7:20 PM
SF," yeah I'll drag Drifter along by the scruff of the neck ", what make you think you will to drag me !!!!???? :),
Tassie & I have it worked it out.....Flinders Island is the place to be Great food & between you & me not bad wine :)))
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 7:06 PM
Opps sorry Love2laugh it's was you who asked me for the drink.... It's that 2nd beer I had with me Granddad... I'm a bit wobbly around the edges..... yeah I'll drag Drifter along by the scruff of the neck.... you & Wllow can do the girlie chat with Drifter & I can get a real look at the lay of the land.. :) I also asked H2H & hey lets just get the lot who have a wicked sense of humour....tassie can play us some good music.... Kangaroo Island sounds the perfect place we should all meet up... good tucker there, good people care take it, just the best scenery, & away from the maddening crowd... X X X sorry agin for my confusion..... have a great week... :)
Posted by: softfeather at September 7, 2008 6:50 PM
SF, PS It has been another great day up here :)
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 6:25 PM
SF, you now making me blush :))))
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 6:15 PM
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 7, 2008 2:36 PM
LtoL, You are right, Change will not come from hollow promises to loved ones, to save there own neck.
change comes from within & from the heart.
it comes from a want to change & not to impress someone
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 6:13 PM
Posted by: espritlibrefemme at September 7, 2008 2:18 PM
Very true & thank you :)))
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 5:57 PM
Hi Willow..... move over I sooo want the luxury of a bathtub..... is yours a big old daddy one? On the farm we had the standard bath tub in the paddock. The number of times I jumped in on a hot day & even a few nights was grand!!!... I even put the little one in & we played... put up the beach 'brella & took the bucket & spade & we pretended we were at the beach. I can remember her saying "silly mummy".... sorry can't go for drinks tonight I always have a beer with me Dad & Granddad today. So that's 2 beers & I'm a bit pi##ed now... Dad would say there's not enough fat on the land to be a good drinker. Granddad would always say ya can't fatten a thoroughbred... peace out girlie & yeah I hear ya message... I really loved doing the physically hard stuff but I was supposed to be content with the house yard stuff..... X X X
PS. While you chat land stuff with the Drifter I'll take a stroll 'round the back of the shed & check out the view ;)
Posted by: softfeather at September 7, 2008 5:30 PM
To one & all.... my Dad's waving at every one down here... he was this silly old bugger that drove his Nissan Patrol like a bat out of hell on the winding roads between Mt Warning & the low lands. He said he was the local street pruner for all that grew too close to the road... I think when he was in his late 80's he thought he was still riding side car on the Norton he raced on Phillip Island in the 20's. He was the most frustrating, lovable, quick to spark, kindhearted, got to have the last word, silly, know all, & just the best Dad one could ever have.... Love ya Dad miss ya heaps.... Your Little one X X X
PS yes I know the car needs a service but I can't do an oil change on this one like I could do on the holden.... & no I still haven't got the knack for reverse parking... X X X
Posted by: softfeather at September 7, 2008 4:48 PM
HI Softfeather! I can see you understand completel!! I'm calling it a day now, Im dying for a bath and aching in all sorts of places.
I sometimes wonder if doing all this "bloke's work" might be intimidating to a prospective. Is it enough for a man to be wanted and loved? Or do they need to be needed too. I think my ex did. But if I relied on someone else to do the hard stuff, nothing would get done.
Would I like a man to be side by side with me - you bet! But do I need it? No. What I can't do myself, I can pay for. Personally I want to be loved and wanted, rather than fill a job role. I am hoping that "he" will feel that way too.
Posted by: willow29 at September 7, 2008 4:20 PM
Aw thanks H2H I feel better already - the saints aint helping tho lol. Looks like collingwood next week.
Softfeather I really want to meet you and have a drink together you are a real scream. You can bring drifter too :0)
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 7, 2008 4:08 PM
Hi Drifter :).How's it going? Are the birdies singing & the sun shining for u today?
Wow you're cute, you're lovely, you're wonderful, you're special, I liiiike you.... (plus ya got a hot butt) :)))))))))
To rest my feet on the ground for a moment as this is to you & is sincere & with no lightness implied on my behalf. To offer an apology especially after reflection is a person with integrity. I admire your courage & it shows "Your soul & spirit" is overflowing with integrity. Yesterday a number of men & woman opened their hearts, made comments & also offered an apology. For me this was a reading of the deep complexity of relationships between people. Drifter please be gentle with yourself. You have travelled a long way to this part of your life journey. Your past is the stepping stone to your future & you have come to realise it's not a rock around your neck. Keep on your journey for it will bring you the love you honestly deserve & desire... X X X
PS how's the outback looking today?.... pretty magic?
Posted by: softfeather at September 7, 2008 3:40 PM
PS LtoL - My Dad sends a wink on to you too, hoping to brighten your day... :))
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 7, 2008 3:40 PM
Hi Ya Willow :) Hand madly waving as I sail past in my fancy 4WD. I read ya post about ya day yesterday & all you managed. You "Mother of the Earth", you "Superwoman", you "Nurturer" of the food of life :)... Re the slasher, I hated that job so learnt to become weak when yukky jobs needed doing. But I was always first to jump on the tractor when slashing was needed. Big boys lawn mower !!! :).... Re the electric fence. So sorry for your pain but "pmsl". (softfeather's latest acronym to introduce into her corp world) .. Yaaaaa I hated that one. I can still feel the blinding pain when I'd forget about the wire across the drive near the house. I'd never remember the sign of the dog ducking at that point & I'd go flying into it. :).... an electrified wire on ya naked flesh is not the way to get a buzz out of life!.. When I had my time on the land my closest mate was a piece of 4x2. I whacked, smacked, thumped & beat the life out of soo many things with it & by God it felt good. Wheel nuts that wouldn't budge, gates that wouldn't open, snakes that went for the little one, horrid feral bucks that got in with the does.... & a few times I even waved it out the car window at truckies that would ride up my tailpipe on the Pacific Highway when I went back to the city for visits. Nothing scares me when I have child in tow. I was a She Wolf that one never saw the strike coming. LOL :). Life was grand in those days but hard work on the farm.... lotsa X X X
Posted by: softfeather at September 7, 2008 3:25 PM
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 7, 2008 2:36 PM - *sighs*. Do you give things a chance, or dismiss them out of hand? I've been in that boat too many times, and I'm sure others have as well. There's many ways of looking at it, each with their own pro's and con's. Do we turn away at the first hurdle, or take the risk of a second (or more) chance? Tough call, but we can at least draw peace of mind in that if we took a second chance and it still didn't work out, we gave it our best shot. We know for sure.
There is no more "what if", because we have the definitive answer. Closure can occur, and we can move forward. It matters not what others think - it's your life, your heart, your soul, not theirs. If they desert you over your decision to try and sort things out, maybe they aren't really 'friends' at all. A true friend doesn't bail you out of jail - they sit next to you and say "What a ride!" Just my thoughts...
Fathers day to me is also a time for memories to come flooding back. Hi Dad (he's waving to me)... :)
I'm a Bomber fan, but I'm 'rooting' for the Sainters today too!
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 7, 2008 3:24 PM
OBD (or your evil twin!!) I agree people can change - but only if they want to. I gave three chances, he made promises, never adhered to them and then I gave up. I lost friends and family who said I deserved what I got for giving him the chance!!
Hindsight - I would not go through that again, but at the time I thought it was the right thing to do.
mmm bit miserable today, missing my dad (deceased), kids gone off to see their dad can you please send your evil twin brother to cheer me up!?!?:)))) Maybe the saints can win today!!!
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 7, 2008 2:36 PM
Drifter, if we don't change, we are dead!
Seeing yourself through the eyes of a desire for change is tough, but really it is tough love. Maybe this journey we are each taking is about knowing ourselves, learning to love ourselves, and connecting. It all sounds glib but each of these tasks is damned hard work!
The getting of wisdom, my friend.....your heart is a sweet and tender place, so hold it lovingly.
Posted by: espritlibrefemme at September 7, 2008 2:18 PM
Drifter, mate, no need. It was just a misunderstanding. Simple enough for any of us to do with written only communication. Our friendship can survive a bit of misunderstanding :)
Posted by: willow29 at September 7, 2008 2:00 PM
Willow I owe you an apology, I had no right to take you to task yesterday.
Just after I posted my reply to you, my computer crashed.
I spent the rest of afternoon thinking about what I had posted in reply to you & it dawn on me that by posting what I had.......I had become what I was complaning about :(((((
So I hope you accept my sincere apology
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 1:28 PM
Posted by: auntykaz at September 6, 2008 9:42 PM
Thanks for your encouragement...I have infact moved on and am very much myself. I spent some years battling to gain acceptance to grow and for my ex to grow with me but came to the point where I had to make a decision.
To carry on with more of the same or to move on. I chose to move on. I have absolutely no regrets about my decision.
I am very fortunate to have 3 wonderful kids who I have a great relationship with and support me 100%. They also have a good relationship with their father. We are 6 yrs down the track now and all is good with the world.
Posted by: aquamanda56 at September 7, 2008 12:54 PM
Posted by: espritlibrefemme at September 6, 2008 2:58 PM
Thank you I try :), I the past I have treated peoples feelings like shit & only ever thinking about myself, I would like to sit here a blame my upbring but to tell you the truth it is only me that I have to blame & I can not change what I have done in the past but I can change my now & my future.
I hope this helps everyone understand why I am so firey sometimes about allowing people to have a second chance or even a third............People can chance !!!!!
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 12:54 PM
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 4:17 PM
Past is PAST, live & take people in the now :)))))
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 7, 2008 12:17 PM
Aquamanda re your post this afternoon...
The hardest thing is to simply be yourself, particularly when you have been busy with raising a family and all of the associated tasks.
Sitting down and seeing yourself for who you are is something that l had found challenging in the past few years, and l think that l have finally got that covered.....
Good luck to you and keep on your journey of discovering yourself, it will be so worth it..................K
Posted by: auntykaz at September 6, 2008 9:42 PM
Eral....my sympathy goes to you...I am not in the position to judged you nor accusing you" inventing those stories, " I don't have any proof to be concerned about....my apologies if any in that cases, you suffered enough over the extraordinary battle the real embarrassment arose from disclosure. I'm avid continual reading your post, yet, I find some convincingly established as a wrong party do the real opportunities for revenge become apparent....
I am just avid watchers of every posties publickey sling mud at everyone....I know You been to this blogs long enough and you know..I was once the target of misguided accusation....which i am til now innocent still...
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 7:43 PM
waternymph47,.....strange !...how did you know where I came from?.. except reading my profile?...as you do, as you said....I don't exactly understand what you meant by that?
No, I am destructing bloggers comments, I do cared as others do, a matter of when the circumstances are right, simply clear smokey airs !....reread my last paragraphed...for a clearing points...
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 7:13 PM
Forgive me for not replying sooner, its just that i don't know what to say.
Thanks for your kind support .
I hope that in telling these 'secrets' we might help others with their burdens, or help them to avoid making the same 'mistakes'.
Some you just can't 'fix'.
alaine - are you saying that i invented 'a story' so i could enjoy others sympathy ??!!
And i thought i was the cynic here...
Posted by: eatsrootsandleaves at September 6, 2008 6:44 PM
aliane at September 6, 2008 4:17 PM
aliane I think I know where you are coming from and why you might distrust certain bloggers ... as do I!
Not so much as being uncaring as wondering if the caring is deserved!!
Posted by: waternymph47 at September 6, 2008 6:02 PM
Wow, what does one say after reading this page for the first time?
I think it is very brave of some of you to share some of your heart wenching experiences. It just reinforces my opinion that I have been very fortunate in life.
OK, I have a failed marriage and yes I could point the finger. But for me, I don't see the point. What is done is done, you can't change history.
Saying that, my experiences would make it hard for me to try the marriage thing a second time around. Total trust would be hard. You should never say 'never again', as you don't know who you may meet tomorrow.
None of you should regret saying anything here. It is hard to communicate just with words, they can be easily misunderstood.
Posted by: kazmaree at September 6, 2008 5:17 PM
Wombat at September 5, 2008 10:19 PM
That relationship had run it's course and I'll bet would have been a lot messier without the choice option. That abortion choice is a fantastic thing for human rights-here in Victoria it is on the verge of being decriminalised.
Nightfall.
I reckon this blog already has a few of the characteristics of a forum without the organisation and structure. A search function would be handy for retrieving archived material and so would some stickys on commonly asked questions.
Forum's work by allowing real time posting on a variety of broad areas with individual threads 'passing the buck' say being followed. Here it would probably require a big comittment to moderating; probably 24-7.
You would expect the hosting/moderating costs of one of the pro forma Forum packages might be a bit difficult for RSVP to swallow if membership was free and advertising banned as I would prefer.
Cheers Marcus
Posted by: laughsandtalks at September 6, 2008 4:43 PM
Whats the beginning of enternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of the end
And the end of every place
Answer : The letter E
Posted by: forevernow1 at September 6, 2008 4:35 PM
heart2heart57.....dont worry, I don't take it serious what you have said, I know your just kidding...hey, dont take too serious here, just ride and enjoyed reading the blogs. I'll bet, you'll find more interesting discussion in a long run... :)
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 4:29 PM
Outbackdrifter.....if you scrolled- back the archive, you will understand what I am talking about... there are too many dramas written unbelievable. It takes a good looks before you learned an amid ultimate allegation in moral dimension. I blog on/off 2 years ago. and I know the stories behind the curtain of stage show played. Some are real some are just created. just give you a hint.
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 4:17 PM
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 3:49 PM - Actually, it wasn't meant to be funny. And I now regret having said it at all...
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 6, 2008 4:02 PM
hahaha ... Heart2heart57....you're silly, funny, lovely guy. thanks for good laugh... posted @ 2;32 am
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 3:49 PM
Aliane, Read the reply below & to take you to task I think some of your posts were a little below the belt & demeaning
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 6, 2008 3:34 PM
Outbackdrifter.....i think you misinterpret Willo29 post, she doesn't meant any wrong objection, and I agree with her post is supportive enough....just clearing... thanks
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 3:22 PM
Willow I have alway had only Repect for you & I still do, You alway speak your mind even when it has not been agreeing with the bulk of the posts.
Beauty & Brains are a rare combo in a lady.
All I had a problem with was "When you.......Get to our age".
which I covered first up & then told why I had posted the first post :))))
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 6, 2008 3:13 PM
On another topic... Does anyone else think this blog format would be much better presented as a forum?
Posted by: nightfalltech at September 6, 2008 3:03 PM
Sorry Nightfalltech...can you explain the differences and the pro-cons... to us NON Techie people...thanks
Posted by: starryeyez at September 6, 2008 3:07 PM
I think i probably go through the blame game for a few days, maybe a few weeks, But once the heat of the moment has gone, I can usually see both sides.
A lot of the time it's not that anything changed from when you met, but that perhaps you changed, or the world around you changed. Someone new, new priorities, sometimes what you have just isn't enough.
Having said that, I'm the kind of guy who's slow to fall into, and slow to fall out of love, so there would need to be something really wrong, or for a long time. I've seen so many people break up over things that would be different if they just talked and hung on a few days.. weeks. Of course they might be symptoms of underlying problems, but people these days are very quick to say 'Next' (part of our culture of 'now' i guess)
On another topic... Does anyone else think this blog format would be much better presented as a forum?
Posted by: nightfalltech at September 6, 2008 3:03 PM
There are some truly amazingly courageous, heart-warming and beautiful people on this blogging. I feel proud to be getting to know a few of you.
Drifter, you always struck me as the kind of person a mate could turn to. Now I am convinced.
Willow, you are one special heart, darling.
H2H, how horrific, how absolutely unspeakable for you. I can't help be shed tears reading about that heartless action. What a bleak day for you that was. I truly hope that peace and resolution can come to you one day. Karmic well wishes sent your way.
Eral, I have known for some time that you are a very different human being, a truly committed person with a vibrant soul. God knows how much that deeply feeling intellect has struggled with coming to terms with what happened in that relationship. I really do wish you peace of mind, dear friend.
Of all the people on rsvp, the most open-hearted and worthy of knowing seem to be the bloggers. Thank you for how much you give. My emotions are deeply moving after reading this blog.
I just wish peace and solace to each and everyone of you. The pain is palpable on here, but then so is the deep compassion....it is so very moving.
Posted by: espritlibrefemme at September 6, 2008 2:58 PM
In visions of the dark night
I have dreamed of joy departed-
But a waking dream of life and light
Hath left me broken-hearted.
Ah! what is not a dream by day
To him whose eyes are cast
On things around him with a ray
Turned back upon the past?
That holy dream- that holy dream,
While all the world were chiding,
Hath cheered me as a lovely beam
A lonely spirit guiding.
What though that light, thro' storm and night,
So trembled from afar-
What could there be more purely bright
In Truth's day-star?
Posted by: forevernow1 at September 6, 2008 2:56 PM
Wow, sorry if thats how you took it Drifter. I was including you in "our" age - not patronising you. Until Aliane posted (which wasnt there when I replied to you), I believe that the posts were supportive. I really apologise if that's not how you interpreted my post.
Posted by: willow29 at September 6, 2008 2:55 PM
Willow, First up Im older then you are, so dont talk to me as a child.
The reason I posted this is becourse I see the ealy stages of lets put the boot in when someone opens up abit.
which seem to happen more & more on these blogs.
Look I am not going to buy into what someone posted last week or last month &
Im not going to buy into weather its true or not .
I take people for who they are now, not who they were in the past.
People can change & drop there walls, so dont condemn someone on there past posted & take them for who they are now :)))
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 6, 2008 2:36 PM
eatsrootsandleaves at 10:19 PM : It helps to wipe your nose after SOBbing.
Sad story. Losing a child at any time is terrible, from miscarriage to predeceasing you in their middle age. So I guess doing it on purpose couldn't help being even more upsetting.
Posted by: timewarp1 at September 6, 2008 5:26 AM
OOOUCHHH!!! Timewarp that was a little below the belt :(
I've been a Foster Carer for many years...and some of the stories...horrible, horrible stories I could tell you....
Let's just say, I respect somebody who is brave enough to make the decision and admit, it's not the right time for them to have a child.... rather than somebody who abuses their child.
ERAL the decision was between the two of you...it was a choice you both made and I respect you for it.
Posted by: starryeyez at September 6, 2008 2:26 PM
..Welcome to the " Circus" ...one of the private messiest love affairs in blog history.
(Sorry, I can't help myself,..if, I'm in that position, not sure what to do!)....Not sure if this stories are hoax or real,... just can't imagine, the catfight like a freak-show business...no offence...
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 2:03 PM
Drifter, I dont think we are. When you get to our age, you understand that people make decisions, some of which they regret later in life. Most of us have been in that situation (of making decisions) and still, 10, 20, 30 years later, are still wondering if it was the right one. I dont think anyone is condeming. On the contrary, everyone has so far been empathetic.
Posted by: willow29 at September 6, 2008 1:51 PM
Eral...is it true !, can't believed disclosing personal affairs of what have happened, abortion, failed relationship, warheads, etc. Both of (you) & (her) hurting each other in purposed, just like cutting skin with sharped knife...ouch, calm-down, calm-down,..., can you just patched-up things without tears out-pouring and drowning....
Posted by: aliane at September 6, 2008 1:49 PM
Let they who have not sined........to cast the first stone .
People we are getting into the glasshouses place again.
Lets not go there
Posted by: outbackdrifter at September 6, 2008 1:23 PM
Posted by: eatsrootsandleaves at September 5, 2008 10:19 PM
“All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment.”
Posted by: forevernow1 at September 6, 2008 12:58 PM
ht2h didn't think that sounded like you with the earlier post - can't imagine how awful that must have been - boy have I been lucky in life really.
Great of you to apologise good on you
Posted by: lovetolaugh57 at September 6, 2008 12:33 PM
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 6, 2008 2:32 AM - Actually that was a stupid and insensitive post, and didn't quite come out right. Please accept my sincere apologies - was just reliving a dark moment. I'm sure many can relate to the pain and heartache the loss of an unborn child can bring. I will never forget the feeling of reading the note on my door at Uni saying "won't see you for a few weeks - going to have an abortion". That feeling of not knowing that there was a pregnancy in the first place, then the total helplessness of not being able to do a single thing about the termination. It destroyed me...
Posted by: heart2heart57 at September 6, 2008 12:13 PM
My ex was quite controlling and had some odd beliefs about how relationships should work, but... I blame myself for not making a stand early on and making clear what I considered acceptable and what was not acceptable behaviour.
I lost myself for a while in the business of bringing up a family which took the edge off the things that were causing problems.
So when I was able to address the problems, I was told I was crazy, no one in the world was like me! Somehow I was a lier, a trickster, I had pretended to be someone I was not! How dare I change!
I hadn't really changed at all, I was just getting myself back.
Posted by: aquamanda56 at September 6, 2008 11:04 AM
Eral,whether a child is "lost" through pregnancy termination(for whatever reason) still birth,or as a child or even a young adult,it is a tremendous loss which never really dissipates.
Many happily settled relationships have faltered terminally as a result;and even though you and your partner thought you made a rational decision,the (irrational to some) sense of loss remains.
You are a brave man for sharing your experience.
Posted by: kurli at September 6, 2008 10:02 AM
Eral, That t
I am women hear me roar.......life is grand and filled with love heyxxx
peace out funky brewsters xx
Posted by: amourmoi08 at September 22, 2008 1:53 PM